Operation Get Knocked Up!

Christmas with the Rozenski Trio

2010-12-23T17:46:00.000-06:00

A couple of weekends ago, Dana, Greg and TJ came over to Wynne to celebrate Christmas with us and to see the house! We had a great time! Here are a few pics from the day...sorry they are kinda out of order.

The gang decorating sugar cookies!

Greg being Greg.

Dana tickled.

Two of my favorite people.

Dana showing off her artwork.

Double and Trouble's artwork.

TJ was so proud of his cookies!

Dana and TJ

The Rozenski and Smith gang,

Quotes I do not want to forget from the day...

"My food was yucky"--TJ told this to our waitress and he hadn't even tried his burger

"That's a ladybug"--he said the Buzz on Alan's GT hat was a ladybug

"I'm gonna call 911 on you and they are going to put you in jail"--he told this to his Mom at Mike's for no reason...

"Santa needs to go to time out"--he was scared to death of Santa--he was convinced Santa was going to eat with us and then come back to our house...all thanks to Uncle Alan.

Thankful

2010-11-25T13:01:00.000-06:00

Over the last couple months, I have been thinking about what I don't have. Last night I realized that I should be grateful for what I DO have...

1. I have the love of a good man. Alan loves when I am at my best and worst. When I am feeling great and when I have a 2 miles radius of snot rags around me. No matter what happens, he will be there for me.

2. I have my family who is there for me no matter what.

3. I have awesome friends. They are there whenever I need them.

4. Alan and I both are employed. They are not exactly what we want, but with so many people without jobs, I am thankful to receive a paycheck each week.

5. I may not feel 100% everyday, but compared to a lot of people I have good health.

I hope on this Thanksgiving Day each of take time to thank God for the good things that you have in your lives!

PITY, PARTY OF ONE

2010-10-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

I am having a pity party.

I am having a hard time with this baby stuff.

I just burst into tears Tuesday night when Big Al and I went to bed. If you know me, you know that is not like me.

I think I shocked Alan. He said he knew that stuff stayed on my mind all the time, but did not not it was bothering me as much as it was.

I don't think people realize how close to the surface this baby business is for me.

I don't think people know how I bypass the baby section in whatever store I am in.

I don't think people understand that the door to our empty "hopefully a nursery" room has not been open in three months.

I don't think people know how hard it is for me to hold their newborn babies and to tell them that how pretty it is.

I don't know why people don't stop and think before they ask me for the millionth time when are going to have kids.

I am never one to show that I am down. I feel like I let people down when I am down. I feel like they would be upset if they knew I was down. I guess you could call me a people pleaser. I hate feeling like I can't have a pity party because I am afraid someone else is going to be upset because I'm upset.

I hate not being able to have a good cry-fest when I need one.

I hate my heart feeling like it is broken. I hate feeling like there is a huge weight on my chest.

I hate feeling like it is me alone against this big, bad fertile world.

Our House!

2010-10-03T14:35:00.002-05:00

Stream of Consciousness

2010-09-17T14:27:00.000-05:00

I have been a bad blogger...just not too much really going on. But things are going to start picking up soon...Tomorrow, we are heading to "Autumn on the Square" in a nearby town. They have vendors with various things to sell...a live band...food. Should make for a fun time. Then in October we are heading to spend the day with the Bestie (every time I type "Bestie" i accidentally type "Beastie"...hahah. sorry Dana) and her family in Jacksonville. We are going to go to a pumpkin patch. They have a petting area (I think), hayrides and a corn maze. Lots of pictures should come from that day.

We have been busy with the house...hope to get some pics up very soon. We need to buy small things for some of the rooms, then they will be completely done! When we are done painting, I never want to see another paint room again.

I am so ready for fall...this heat is about to kill me...I am ready for the leaves to change...to open the windows...jeans...bonfires. Fall, where the heck are you?

Something To Hold On To

2010-06-21T09:18:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you wished you had something you could reach out to and hold on to with both hands? That if you had that something you could make it through your trials, heartache or even just your day?

I am in that spot.

The last week or so I just have not felt like myself. After thinking about it, I think I just ~~kinda~~ really blue. Most of the time I just push this whole baby mess out of my mind. I keep myself busy with work, reading and things around the house. Lately, every thought I have is centered around a baby. Every where I look, someone is knocked up. Or see on Facebook where someone just had a baby. It does not help that I have a coworker who is intent on telling me every detail about her sister-in-law's pregnancy. She knows how hard we are trying for a baby...I do not know if she doing it on purpose or if she just wanting to me see it. The thing that bothers me the most is that she knows how much I love ladybugs and apparently her sister-in-law is doing ladybugs for her baby so everytime she posts pictures to her blog, my co-worker will come and get me to show me the pictures. WHY?

I am afraid if I say something to her, I am going to end up saying something hurtful. I want to tell her that even though I do not discuss it all the time, babies are on my mind constantly. I want to tell her that it is not fair that people like her sister-in-law got pregnant the first month of trying. I want to tell her that I do not give a ~~care~~ damn what her nursery looks like. I want to tell her that we have an empty bedroom that I am afraid to decorate because I am afraid if we do then it will mean that we will never have a nursery to decorate. I want to tell her that I stand in the doorway, crying, trying to mentally arrange where I want to put a crib. I want to tell her I feel like I have let everyone down in my family. I want to tell her that I feel let down. I want to tell her that I feel like a failure. I just want to tell her to please shut up.

I read all these blogs by women in the same boat as me. They talk about their faith and how they hang on to that. I want to feel that way. I start praying for peace, but then I get so mad and feel so let down. I am at the spot where I am questioning my faith. Questioning what is real and fair. I really do not like feeling this way. I want something that I can wrap myself up in. Something to protect myself from the harsh reality of the world.

I ~~want~~ need something to hold on to.

Simple Pleasures Take 3

2010-06-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

1. Finding pairs of ladybugs all through our new house--especially in our bedroom!
2. A good book that turns out to be part of a really good series.
3. Having a friend who loves books as much as you do and turned you on to the series mentioned above.
4. Knowing next week we are doctor free!
5. Smelling fresh cut grass.

I'M BACK!

2010-06-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

We finally have internet at the new house!! I hope to post some pictures and do and update post soon!!

Simple Pleasures Take 2

2010-04-23T08:10:00.000-05:00

* Seeing baby poop yellow paint being covered up by Cocoa Spice

* Laughing with family and friends around the kitchen table

* ~~Mowing your own yard~~ Watching the Hubs mow your yard

* Peach cobbler on your Birthday

* Brightly painted toe nails!

Beans Don't Burn on the Grill

2010-03-19T16:03:00.000-05:00

We will close on the house March 26th or the 29th! We are so excited and looking forward to the move. I have been Alan a hard time calling him a "slave driver". Every night this week, he has had us sorting through stuff. I really think if it was up to him, we would have everything packed! He is also calling it our "Party Mansion". There is an episode of It's Always Sunny where they talk about their party mansion...

My co-workers are just has excited has I am. Everyday I keep saying "Know what? I'M MOVING!!!"!! I also started singing "Movin' Movin" to the tune of Raw Hide and "Movin on up" from the Jeffersons...

Well we're movin on up,

To the east side.

To a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Movin on up,

To the east side.

We finally got a piece of the pie.

Fish don't fry in the kitchen;

Beans don't burn on the grill.

Took a whole lotta tryin',

Just to get up that hill.

Now we're up in the big leagues,

Gettin' our turn at bat.

As long as we live, it's you and me baby,

There ain't nothin wrong with that.

Well we're movin on up,

To the east side.

To a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Movin on up,

To the east side.

We finally got a piece of the pie.

I Like to Move It Move It!

2010-03-15T12:21:00.000-05:00

WE ARE MOVING!! That's right folks, moving. To a new city! Well, the city is only 20 mintues from here, but still it new to us. We will still keep the same jobs we have now, but now we will be living in a HOUSE! No more fighting over parking spots. No more China Baby walking around in lead boots! We will have a yard. We will be able to paint. We will be able to be has loud as we want! YIIPPPEE! We just found out that our loan has gone through and the home inspection is happening as I type! Below are some pics of the house!

For Great Dane

2010-03-09T20:38:00.000-06:00

Mom's tub

Her room

office maybe?

extra bathroom

den

window in our room

our bathroom take 1

our bathroom take 2

alan's man cave

kitchen

living room view 1

living room view 2

guest room

Winter Wonderland

2010-02-14T17:51:00.001-06:00

Last Sunday our town got some unexpected winter! We were shocked when we woke up Monday morning. Most of the town was shut down till Thursday. Here are a few pics!

Some of the trees behind our apartment.

The walkway at my office.

The church across the street from my office.

Lose to Win in 2010

2010-02-11T09:54:00.000-06:00

I have my team. We have a team name. All we have to do is weigh in, then the hard part starts--the ~~diet~~ lifestyle change. My team consists of myself, Christy (a coworker), my Mom and Rosemary (one of her coworkers). Even though we are weighing in today, my diet will not start until Monday. Who in the world starts their diet on a Friday? Right before Valentine's Day? That is nuts! Anyhow, the competition will go from today through the end of April. Whichever team loses the biggest percentage of weight will win money (each team member had to pay $15.00). I do no know if we will win or not--or even if we have a chance, but it will be fun to do! Oh, yeah--our team name---the Badonkadonk Busters!

Trepidation about the Process of Getting Knocked Up.

2010-02-08T13:15:00.000-06:00

We have finally decided to move along with getting knocked up. Trepidation creeps up my spine. Last year I just was not mentally ready to see a BFN after losing my Grandma. After we did our taxes, we saw that we are going to be able to go to the RE before we thought we were going to be able to. The thought makes my palms sweat and I become sick to my stomach. I know going to the RE we are hitting the Big Leagues. I know that they are going to want to hit it with all there is to hit with. I want that. I really do. I am tired of playing in the Minors. I am ready to go Pro.

But I am also scared. I have been looking foward to trying again. I have been excited about this next step.

Now, I am scared to death. Why?

I am not not really sure of all the reasons. I know these will be the people that can tell me if a pregnancy is possible (I really do not see why not, my body does what it is supposed to when I am medicated. I just do not think Dr. D was a heavy hitter).

I know that they are going to want to do many tests and procedures.

I am scared about money.

I am scared about it not working.

I am scared of it working.

I am scared of it working too well.

We think probably by the end of April or the beginning of May we will have our first appointment. In the meantime, we are concentrating on losing weight (more on that in another post) and eating healthy.

I do ask for prayer. Peace, patience, strength and more patience. Patience has never been a virture of mine...

Simple Pleasures

2010-02-05T16:37:00.000-06:00

Sun peeking out on a cloudy day.

Fresh cut grass in the Summer.

Sonic Diet Coke

Real mail (not bills).

Chatting with your Best Friend.

Calls on your Birthday.

Clean sheets.

Cuddling with my Big Al.

Finding "lost" money.

Finding a forgotten box of Appleheads.

I have been a bad blogger...

2010-01-21T19:45:00.000-06:00

Time has just gotten away from me. One day it is a month before Christmas and now here it is almost a month after! Hopefully things will calm down and I can get back to blogging more. I did get my dream camera for Christmas so I should be posting more pictures soon! I have it ready to go, just have not have anything excting to shoot! Anyhow, one of my New Years resolutions was to blog more so we shall see!

Christmas Parade and Decorations

2010-01-21T19:40:00.000-06:00

Here I am getting ready for the parade!

Us freezing our booties off!

Me, Mom, Brandon and Malissa

Here are a just a few of my favorite decorations!

My Grandmother loved this little birdhouse.

A cute little bow I made.

My Aunt Janie made this for me in 1981.

Just a cute cupcake!

I loved my dining room table this year!

Office Christmas Party

2010-01-21T18:57:00.000-06:00

We had our staff Christmas party at our country club. We had a blast, but I did not take very many pictures!

Here I am with my gag gift. Yes it is a fire hat. That is all I am going to say!

Here is me and my honey!

This is one of my coworkers, Doronia. We have gotten her hooked on Twilight. She finds Edward an absolute delight. We changed her computer desktop picture to one of Edward. Every evening she would tell him goodbye. I decided to get her a picture--that way,she would not have to tell him goodnight!

I love this picture of Dr. Morris. The look on his face is "I know I should know why I am getting this, but right now I am clueless." Do not worry, he remembered the joke shortly after. When I came to work for two eye doctors, I never dreamed I would see the things that I have seen...

Christmas with the Family

2010-01-21T18:38:00.000-06:00

I know I am late with these but...Things got really busy really fast! Here are just a few pictures from our Christmas with the Rozenski bunch and then Christmas day with my family!

Our tree!

Santa Sadie

Me and Roxy

Big Al

Mom and the Busby tradition

Brandon and Malissa

Alan and me

Elf TJ

TJ is either going on So You Think You Can Dance or America's Best Dance Crew.

Elf Alan and TJ and Stickers the Cat

Dana and her hat

TJ enjoying the hat

Greg getting in on the fun

Best buddies

The Rozenski Bunch

"I farted" by TJ Rozenski

Dream

2009-11-25T11:04:00.016-06:00

I have been sitting on this dream for about a month now. I have been analyzing this dream in my head over and over.

I was walking up a hill in a woodsy area.

I made it to the top and as I started to

climb down the hill, I noticed this huge tree.

Sitting underneath it was my Grandma.

She was playing with two

curly, dark haired babies.

I said, "Grandma! What are you doing?".

She said, "I'm playing with your babies!".

She picked the little boy up and was trying to teach him to walk.

I sat down and started cuddling the little girl.

I could feel her weight in my arms.

I remember hearing that perfect little girl giggling.

I remember hearing that sweet little boy belly laughing at

Grandma like she was the funniest thing ever.

I remember thinking that this was a perfect day.

I remember thinking that I do not want this to end.

Then I woke up.

At first I was so happy to see Grandma playing with my children.

Then I realized it was a dream.

I was on the verge of tears.

I had one person I deeply missed with me again

and two things that I am afraid I will never have.

It was truly one of the best dreams I have ever had.

I hope dreams do come true.

Thank You and Catch-up!

2009-11-19T11:55:00.010-06:00

I wanted to tell everyone that has been praying for my latest prayer request, thank you! I still do not want to go into the details yet, but the situation is less of a possibility now, but I am still praying for what to do next!

Since my last post a few things have happened. We celebrated our 8 year anniversary on the 17th of this month. I can not believe that it is has been 8 years. I joke with Alan that sometimes it feels like just a few days--other times it feels like 30 years. I feel like it has always been me and Alan--I really don't remember my life without him.

On November 6th a friend of ours was killed in a car accident. She was only 37 years old and had two teenage sons. I have known her my whole life--I always considered her a cousin. She also cut my whole family's hair. She cut Alan's hair the day before her accident. Alan was the one that had to cover the accident for the paper. I still can not believe that she is gone. Her mom is taking things very hard. Please keep her family is your prayers.

It is starting "busy season" here--anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas parade, getting our tree, Office Christmas party, Christmas with the Rozenski bunch and then Christmas. Not to mention the shopping to get ready for all of it! We are going to be busy busy busy! Be on the look-our for lots of pictures!

A Day with My Bestie and Our Guys!

2009-10-12T18:37:00.012-05:00

Dana and I met in the fall of 1995 at Williams Baptist College. Yes, Dana--that makes us friends for 14 years. Holy cow, 14 years. I can not believe that it has been that long. We have had some times of great closeness and a time where we our conversation lagged, but earlier this year Dana sent me an e-mail and I am so grateful that she did. See, about three weeks later my Grandma passed away. In spite of our lack of conversation, Dana came to her burial and that meant the world to me. From the day of that first e-mail (which I still have), we have picked up right where we left off. It is like it was when we were at WBC. We will chit-chat all throughout the day thanks to e-mail, unlimited texting and Facebook. I think without Dana's friendship, Grandma's passing would be harder on me than it has been. Grandma always told me that Dana was a nice girl and that I could always count on her. She was right. 14 years later, we are both married and Dana and Greg have a little boy named TJ. I am thrilled to be called "Auntie Brandi"! I personally think he the smartest little boy in the world! We got together a couple of weeks ago in Jacksonsville for me to take some fall family pictures and so we could hang out! We had a great time, laughed plenty and ate yummy Carino's! Here are a few pictures I took! Enjoy!

Prayer Request

2009-09-27T16:51:00.002-05:00

Friends,

I can not really in to much detail, but I am asking for a huge prayer request. Over the weekend we have been asked to consider something big. We are trying to not get overly excited as even we do not have hardly any details. We are praying for guidance and hope to find out some more information over the weekend!

Please friends get your knees dirty!

Brandi

I Won!

2009-09-06T20:49:00.002-05:00

Tuesday was the day that they judged the entries in the St. Francis County Fair. I was nervous all day long and kept joking to my co-workers that I was going to send the judges a fruit basket. Alan and I headed the exhibit hall that night after work. When we got up the section that held the photographs, I saw every photograph but mine! Alan had to point them out to me. I received four first places and two seconds! My white tiger and wedding rings picture won the two seconds! I was so happy and very pleased! I did not find out till Thursday that I won some money as well! Today I picked up my check for $42.00. I really enjoyed entering this year and am already coming up with ideas for next year!

St. Francis County Fair

2009-08-30T18:14:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow starts fair week here in Forrest City. It is a small fair, but we go every year to take a stroll on the mid-way. I love the way the fair smells--corn dogs and funnel cake mixed in with cooler temps and the freshly mowed field and the farm animals from the exhibits! Our fair is like any other small town fair. We have pageants and exhibition hall where people can enter farm animals, handmade items (blankets, dresses, dolls, etc), canning goods, art and photography. This will be the first year that I will be submitting anything. I am sure I will not place, but I thought it would be fun to do! Here is a picture of what I am entering.

Alan is taking them out to the fairgrounds for me tomorrow. Judging will happen on Tuesday. Alan has to cover one of the pageants on Wednesday so I will find out how I did then! Wish me luck!

Shutterbug Photography

2009-08-13T11:42:00.004-05:00

I love to take pictures. I have since I was a little girl. If someone would have told me that I could have majored in Photography, then I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was recently asked me what I liked about photography. I could not give them just one reason. I love to capture the moment--the emotion, the occasion. I love snapping and not really knowing what you are going to what you got till you develop the pictures (pictures look totally different on paper, then they do the computer!). I love planning the poses, adjusting for shadows and lines. I love being creative! I love the editing--trying to make that picture perfect, seeing if it looks better in color or black and white. I love watching someone look through their pictures for the first time and hearing the excitement in their voices--"Oh my gosh!! There are so good!".

Last fall I was asked by a coworker to take pictures of her and her husband. Another coworker heard us talking and she asked me to take pictures of her family! I went from never taking any one's pictures to having two shoots in one weekend! I was so nervous, but as soon as I had my camera in my hands it all fell into place. After editing over 500 pictures, I had my discs ready to go. I was anxious to see if my pictures would live up to their expectations. The first picture rolled across the screen...Monique's face lit up and I knew that she loved them!

Because of that weekend, I have decided to start Shutterbug Photography. I need a professional grade camera, but till we can afford one Alan is going to let me borrow his work camera for my shoots.

In October i have three shoots already on the book. The first is for my bestie Dana and her family. It will be in a park in Jacksonville (AR). I look forward to seeing what kind of poses I can do there! I also look forward to seeing my "nephew" T.J. The second shoot is for my coworker Monique. Last fall, I shot her, her hubby and their son Jay. This time I will be a family shoot--her mom, dad, sister and her family, and her brother and his wife. This will be the first time I have done one this size, I am nervous but excited!! I also have a date to shoot my cousin Merribrooke--she is a pretty girl so I hope to get some great shots of her and am able to capture her personality!

I plan on getting a Shutterbug blog up and running soon! Till then you can check the pics out on my Facebook!

Wrapped in Her Love

2009-08-10T18:51:00.005-05:00

My Grandma loved to sew. When I was a kid, most of my clothes were made by her! She loved all kinds of sewing, but I think she loved to crochet most of all. She was so talented. She would enter her afghans in the county fair and not only would win First Place, but also Best in Show! For my Sweet 16, she crocheted me a hunter green afghan. I loved to wrap up in it on a cold winter day. It followed me to my days at WBC--everyone knew to be careful with it! On cold days, rotten days and homesick days--I would wrap up and feel safe, comforted, loved and warm. Just like I felt when I was with my Grandma.

A few weeks after my Grandma passed, my family and I gathered on a rainy Saturday to through her things that had been in storage. My Aunt Janie suggested that we start with the dresser and go from there. She pulled open the first drawer and stopped. She looked at me and said, "Mother told me to make sure you got this for when you had your baby." She pulled out a pink baby afghan. Tears welled in my eyes. All I could do was place it is a plastic sack to protect it from the rain. That is where it sat till today. I want to share what it looks like with you.

The picture doesn't do it justice.

What no one else knew (other than my Mom and Alan) is that Grandma had already given Mom two afghans to keep for me and my Brother. I remember her telling us that she was giving them to us now just in case she was not here when our babies came. I do not know if she forgot or she had the same feeling that I do. For the last year, I have felt that Alan and I are going to be blessed with twins. Call it wishful thinking. Call it dreaming. Call it whatever.

Regardless of what we are blessed with, I love knowing that my baby(ies) is going to know the love of their Great-Grandma and what it feels like to be wrapped in her love.

The Last Couple of Months...

2009-07-25T20:27:00.007-05:00

I turned one year older--and had a great time doing so. For pictures, please check out my Facebook!

I had the opportunity of meet my "nephew" T.J. He is precious and I look forward to spoiling him rotten.

I had a Beijo Purse Party. I now own a gorgeous shiny red purse that I have named Zsa-Zsa. I look forward to having lots of fun with her!

I have lost 40 pounds!! GO ME! I had kinda fallen off the wagon, but am now officially back on full force. Since losing the 40 pounds, AF has shown up all by her little self! I told Alan that I have never been so happy for her show up in my whole life! We have decided to hold off on going to the RE till the first of next year. I want to see about losing more weight in hopes that one of two things will happen--either I will get knocked up on my own or that the meds will work better with some weight off.

I miss my Grandma so much it hurts.

I realized that I have wasted a lot of time trying to become the "Brandi" I once was. BUT I have realized that the new Brandi is becoming so much better than the old one. I no way have all this stuff figured out, but I am working on it! But hey, who isn't a work in progress?

I am closer with my best friend then I have ever been.

I think my husband rocks. Well, I have always thought this but I wanted to throw it in to the mix!

Okay I Guess.

2009-03-20T18:13:00.002-05:00

The words above have been my standard answer to the question, "Brandi, how are you?". I am not going to lie. The last almost two months have been very rough. Especially the last two days. I am not sure what brought it on--hormones or this little old lady that came to my office yesterday afternoon. She did not look like my Grandma or really sound like her--till she said one thing--"Okay Hun." Thankfully she was not talking to me because I would have broken down into tears. I was able to close my eyes and say "Okay Brandi! Don't lose it!". Every since then, Grandma has been on my mind. I feel like I have been on the verge of tears.

But I have held them in...that is what I do- hold everything back. I have my whole life. I hold tears and anger close to me and rarely let anymore see them. Drives Alan nuts, but hey, that is me! I have always been the "strong" one. I have tried to not let things get me down--or for people to think that I was down. I did not want to be considered weak. I keep everything so pent up that I usually get upset over nothing or I get sick--seriously physically ill. I guess the stress lowers my immune system.

I guess that where I am going with this is that I have been holding my grief and other things so close that it has taken over and I have forgotten who I am.

But I do know one thing...I do not like this person I have become.

I have become someone who does not laugh as much as she used to. I do not talk as much as I used to. I look for the worst in people and expect it. I am not has silly has I used to me. I do not feel like me.

Here is my dilemma: What do I do from here? I am lost and clueless.

Maybe this whole post is because I am missing my Grandma and I am sad. I do not know.

But I know till I figure it out, I am okay.

Grandma (March 3, 1922-January 29,2009)

2009-03-09T18:48:00.006-05:00

I told Alan that Christmas 2007 was going to be my last Christmas with my Grandma.

But why did I have to be right?

On December 14, 2008, Grandma fell at her apartment. She sustained some nasty head trauma. She bounced back and forth. Between the concussion and raging infection--which brought on chest pain and high blood pressure, we thought we were going to lose her several times. She finally started improving and all of us were hopeful. She was still in the hospital Christmas Day.

In my 31 years, I've only missed two years of being with Grandma at Christmas.

January 23, 2009 Grandma was moved to a rehab nursing home. We all hoped that once she was out and received some one-on-one care, she would be able to move back into her assisted living apartment. Deep down I knew she would hate living in the nursing home. She never ever wanted that for herself. But Grandma made the best of it and put on a brave face. My Aunt Janie said she enjoyed watching the people that lived there and loved to laugh at this one old man. January 26, 2009. Aunt Janie visited Grandma and she was in good spirits. She had gotten her hair done, dressed, put on make-up and had walked! She'd had a good day! January 27 ,2009 the staff found Grandma non-responsive. They rushed her to the hospital (thankfully it was just across the packing lot). My Uncle Mark called us and told us the the grim news. Mom and I drove to Oakland (TN) as fast as we could. It was hear-breaking to see Grandma. It was like her whole body jerked when she would breathe--like it took her whole being to get that breath in and out. The ER doctor came in and updated us on her status. She felt like Grandma had suffered a stroke. We had some options--none of them good. My Uncle Mark, Aunt Janie and Mom all stepped outside. Thankfully, everyone came to the same agreement. To sign a DNR. Since the hospital is small, it did not take them very long to get us into a room. The floor Doctor came in and wanted to be very aggressive. He wanted us to put her on the respirator (which would require us to transfer) and start antibiotics. We vetoed the respirator. Along with the antibiotics he started a morphine pump. I had to come home that night and due to the weather, I was not able to go back on Wednesday. But when the Doctor came in that morning, he whole-heartily agreed with our decision and said her lungs were filling with fluid. He increased the morphine. Thursday morning about 6:00 my cell phone rang--all I could hear was my Mom sobbing. She told me I needed to come quickly. By the grace of God, I got ready and traveled a trip that should have taken an hour and half--I was there by 8. For the next two hours we all took turns standing around her bed. Mom is a nurse and knew the signs to look for...I noticed that Grandma's breathing had started sounding very strange--a sound that I never will forget...Mom and Becky started checking pulses...

January 29, 2009 at 10:16 A.M. Ruby Oleta Busy took her last breath.

It was heart wrenching. But I am so glad that I was there.

When she passed (I still can not stay "died"), I felt like my heart was breaking in two. This is the first loss of someone important to me in my adulthood. My heart literally hurt. For the past year I had called myself preparing for that day--oh, how naive I was. I am not angry with God. Grandma had a long, happy life. I am happy knowing that she is not hurting anymore. I am happy knowing that she will not be a nursing home. I am happy knowing that she has been reunited with my Grandpa, her family, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren that have passed. I am happy knowing that she is with her Savior.

But I am selfish too. I wanted her to be here when we had a baby. I wanted her to be here when we bought our first house. I wanted her to be here to see my Brother get married. I wanted her come our house on Christmas and brag about Alan's steak (he made steaks Christmas 07 and she just went on and on taking about how that was the best steak she had ever eaten!). I would do anything to pick that phone up and hear her say "Hi Hun!".

But you know what? I will see her again.

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. I Thessalonians 4:17

The planning, funeral and burial where stressful, but in true Busby fashion we made it through on laughs. I am sure that over the next couple of weeks I will share the laughs--some may not find them funny but I want to write them down so I do not forget them.

If I had to pick one thing that has happened through Grandma's passing it would be that my family is slowly coming back together. By family I mean my whole extended family. We let some trivial stupid things divide us, we now I feel that we are getting to know each other again. I will write about that later too.

I am doing good. I have my good days and bad days. I still can not look at her picture without tears coming. March 3rd was the hardest day so far. She would have turned 87. We celebrated by going to eat catfish in her honor!

I do want to thank everyone who called, texted, e-mailed and prayed. We could not have made it through it without your compassion. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

MeMe-

Thank you for loving me like no one else could. I always felt like I had it better than everyone else--because I had two Moms. I will never forget what you have taught me. I will never forget all the good times we had--Bo and Luke Duke, vacations, me sleeping on your arm every night... If you had not such an active role in my and Brandon's life, our life would have been very empty. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now (Lyrics from Homesick by MercyMe). I know you will be waiting for me when I am called home.

I love you,
Brandi

I'm Back!

2009-01-23T20:28:00.001-06:00

We finally got a new computer! YIIPPPEEE!!!! I plan to post a lot more than I have been...stay tuned for a long post to update everyone!

Lifetime Vision Center

2008-12-31T20:21:00.003-06:00

All of the girls at work decided to get antlers to wear during the holiday! From left to right--Diane, Mary Ann, Monique, Doronia and Me!

We persuaded the Doctors to try them on...Dr. Gore (lady) and Dr. Morris (man).

Christmas Fun!

2008-12-31T20:15:00.002-06:00

Last year we made a gingerbread house...this year went for something that was a little less work! it ended up SO cute!

What was inside the box.

Alan hard at work.

Me and the finished product!

Me being artsy-fartsy again.

My Tree and Door!

2008-12-31T20:04:00.001-06:00

This is the front that was on our front door...I'm really into polka-dots these days

Our door!

The Star!

The Tree!

What Can You Do with This-2008?

2008-12-31T19:59:00.002-06:00

Last year I started the tradition of making Christmas pins and handing them out to everyone...I started with this....
and got this!

Being being artsy-fartsy!
Isn't he cute?

A Little Late but...Merry Christmas!

2008-12-31T18:42:00.008-06:00

We had a great Christmas!! We were afraid that it was going to be a sad one--my Grandmother fell about a week and half before Christmas and ended up in the hospital in pretty bad shape. We thought we were going to lose her, but she is a tough old bird (that is what we've been calling/telling her). She wasn't able to be with us this year, but we are very happy that she is recovering and was dismissed from the hospital today! Here are a few pictures!

Me and my Mom!
Brandon (my brother) and his girlfriend, Malissa.

Brandon and Mom

Me and Brandon

The whole family!

Alan, me and Mom--she got tickled in this one!

Me and Big Al!

Alan and his "big" gift!

Me and my "big" gift!

Brandon and his firebowl.

He would die if he knew this was on here....

There is a story behind her and this zombie book...just ask and I'll tell you!

Mom was so shocked that she finally got a Wii!

Alan had been joking for about a month that I was getting "snuggie" for Christmas. I kept telling him if I did I was taking his gifts back and spending the money on myself. He reasoning was that I since I was always cold, the snuggie would keep me warm--and that this Christmas wasn't about what I wanted, but about what I needed...Well, he did one better...he made me one!

He did the same thing with my Mom--except that she needed a gopher--he made her one too!

Alan and his inflatable football helmet.

Mom and her touchdown dance.

FOOTBALL RULES!

Sadie Sue and her tutu. We'd joked around with my brother that we going to get her one. We never dreamed that she would actually like it!

Calli chasing Alan's bow!

Ain't he cute?

7 years!

2008-11-17T14:08:00.008-06:00

Today is our 7th anniversary! I really can believe how fast time as flown by! It has not been an easy 7 years, but I know that it has made us not only strong people but also a stronger couple. But when I look back, I can count many more good times than bad! Alan, I love you and thank you for making me your wife! I can not wait to see what the next years will bring us

Which one should be our Christmas card?

2008-11-08T17:22:00.004-06:00

Here are few of the pictures Laura took...there are a couple that are marked "contenders" for our Christmas cards. I know which one I want to use, but a co-worker said that you couldn't see Alan's face so now I'm rethinking my pick! Anyone care to place their vote? Speaking of Christmas cards, if you would like to exchange one let me know!

I'm really cheesing in this one.
Sweet!

Another contender...

This one is a contender...

I love the trees in this one...

Sweet huh?

This one is sweet too...

One of my favorites!

Pictures from our day in Leachville!

2008-11-08T16:35:00.004-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, we went to Leachville (AR) to visit my best friend Laura. Since we were going, we took the opportunity to take some pictures. We needed a good picture for our Christmas card and Laura wanted some of her and the boys, so she and Alan traded services! Laura has a small photography business--she is really talented! Anyhow, we had a great time. We enjoyed playing with her little boys--Jax and Michael. The pics in this post are the ones Alan took!

Me and Laura thinking about jumping!
Alan, Me and Laura!

A family of Turtles.

Jax picking cotton...He kept telling us he was going to make a shirt!

Michael doing what his big brother was doing!

Laura and her boys.

One word: Gangsta

Friends!

Me being me.

Friends again!

We Won!

2008-10-22T19:14:00.003-05:00

My office won the spirit award!!!! We are so proud! We have gotten tons of compliments this week from our patients! The first picture is of me holding our sign and the next one is one that was in paper!

Mustang Pride!

2008-10-14T18:15:00.004-05:00

A few years ago, our town stared this contest where they wanted local businesses to decorate and support the local high school. This is the first year that my office participated...even though I'm not a Mustang ( I'm a Calvary Eagle!) I was so excited to do it! Monique and I wanted our rears off and are very proud of the results! They announce the winner tomorrow! And what do we win? A sign (that we have to give back!) and our picture in the paper!

Dr. Morris' window
Ann Hudson's window.
The bows that I made! They took me like 3 hours to make one night--I had to make 15!
The long shot of my office. We have two other businesses in with us, but we went ahead and decorated them all!
The door to the middle office...it's for rent! Any takers?

The double doors that go into our office.
The big shot of the double doors.
Our large window.
Dr. Gore's window!

Alan's Birthday Part II

2008-10-08T19:21:00.006-05:00

The Saturday after Big Al's birthday, we went to Memphis (with my Mom and brother) for dinner and a game of mini-golf. We had a blast. Enjoy the pics. You can tell which side of the camera I was on--I'm not in a single shot!

Big Al teeing off!

Alan's second shot! My handsome brother!
This is what happened to Dumbo.

Alan again.
Brandon waiting for his turn.
Mom's turn.
My Hubby!

Alan's Birthday! 8-19-08

2008-10-01T19:22:00.004-05:00

As you can tell by now, on someone's birthday we try to find something for the birthday boy/girl to wear. Then we all have to pass it around and try it on. Good Lord, we are dorks! But we have fun...

Here is my Mom trying on Alan's new sunglasses.

Alan waiting on us to finish singing--and probably hoping that the cake doesn't fall apart. About an hour before (right after I iced it) the cake spilt right down the middle! That is why there is not a picture of it!

Alan and his Outback card.

Braves all the way!
I surprised him with the witty season 1 DVD of Beavis and Butthead (for the record I don't think it is witty at all, but Big Al does...)
The Birthday Boy in his sunglasses and Police hat. Isn't he cute?
Me.
Alan had a great birthday this year! We did his b-day dinner on the 19th. He wanted jambalaya and a wilted salad. Everything turned out so good! He got his gift from me about 3 weeks before his actual birthday. He has been ogling an HD TV for about three years now. Well, he is finally a proud owner of one. He loves it. He is really excited because our cable company is finally adding HD channels. One of the first ones they added was ESPN. The boy has been in heaven!! The Saturday after his birthday we went to Memphis for dinner and mini-golf. Pictures will be in the next post!

Holy Cow!

2008-10-01T19:20:00.001-05:00

I can not believe that is has been almost 4 months since I have updated...I have been a very bad blogger! Stay tuned. I plan on doing a lot of updating in the next couple of days!

Pics From the APME Banquet!

2008-06-04T18:48:00.007-05:00

One of the awards that Alan won came with a $200 prize!!

Award #1

Award #2 (and the one that had the cash prize!).

View from the deck!

Us!

Smith wins Freedom of Information award for coverage of A&P

2008-05-30T18:59:00.006-05:00

We found out that Alan had won two awards on his coverage of a situation that our local Advertising and Promotions Commission had gotten itself in to (the link to the paper is on the side--the situation is actually interesting if you wan to read all the details!). Below is part of the article that was written about him and the judges' comments...

Members of the Times-Herald news staff received several awards during the Arkansas Associated Press Managing Editors Association’s annual meeting, held during the weekend in Heber Springs.

Leading the way was Alan Smith, who received two first place awards, for beat reporting and service to the Freedom of Information Act. Both had to do with coverage of the Forrest City Advertising and Promotions Commission. Judges’ notes on the service to FOI award said, “It’s important for a community newspaper to hold government entities accountable. This story does just this.” On the beat reporting award, comments included, “Good coverage of an issue that ballooned into something that required the attorney general’s ruling. Nice use of FOIA to determine what it cost the taxpayers.”

This is the third time the Times-Herald has won the Service to the FOI category in the past few years.

We were able to travel to Heber Springs and attend the banquet. We had a good time and it was nice to go away on a mini-vacation on the boss' dime! There were some very interesting people there and by interesting, I don't mean really truly interesting--I mean very odd!! If you want to know, just ask one of us about "Cock (and by this we mean head rooster) of the walk" or about "Country gone to City." Overall, it was great and we are so glad we went. I'M SO PROUD OF ALAN!

More Pics--Brandon's Birthday (4-7-08)

2008-05-12T20:42:00.004-05:00

My Brother's b-day fell a few days after mine...Enjoy the pics!

Long Over Due Pics--My Birthday (4-4-08)

2008-05-12T20:26:00.005-05:00

I had a GREAT b-day!! I was able to sleep in, then Mom took me out for lunch and we did a little shopping. Then that night Mom cooked my favorite dinner of Cream Tacos and a wilted salad! Alan got a really nice camera (mine died on Christmas Eve)! Enjoy the pics!

My Flowers from Alan!

Sadie in her luau gear!

Brandon bein' silly!

Aren't I cute?
Alan being goofy!
Brandon and that stinkin phone!

Aren't we cute?

My Alan-made cake.

I am a Coward

2008-04-15T17:56:00.003-05:00

Last Friday, Richard's glasses came in. I was a bundle of nerves all day. He came in late that afternoon to pick them up. Thankfully I was on my way to the back to do an auto-refraction on a kiddo. They only take a minute or so to do, then I hid out in the back. I could not help it--I became a coward. Three times in a week was just a bit too much. One of my co-workers helped him with fit and taught him how to use the no-line bifocal. She said he didn't ask for me, but his wife (who is very pushy and big-mouthed) kept looking for me and acted like she was wanted to ask where I was. I still have no idea what I am going to do or when I am going to do it. Right now I am just trying not to think about it.

Visitor

2008-04-10T19:25:00.004-05:00

The day after I posted, I had a visitor at work. Richard showed up at the busiest time. I finished with my patient (I do have to admit that I did take my time. I didn't want him to think I'm going to drop everything because he came in). I went over to him and he said hi and asked if I had given any thought to having dinner with him. I told him that I would have to talk to my husband because I wanted him to go with me. I also told him that I didn't really know when we could because Alan was a reporter at the newspaper and this is their busy time with meetings and all (all this is very true). I then gave him my cell number. He tried to make chit-chat and left. As soon has the door shut, I went into freak out mode. Thankfully, I only had about an hour of work left. Once I got home, I just laid on the bed. Alan knew I was really upset and kept asking me what I wanted him to do. I kept telling him that I didn't know. Long story short--Alan made a phone call to Richard.

It's important to note that Alan has never met Richard. I believe he has only seen him maybe once or twice in the 8 years we've been together. Alan was very nice and polite. He told Richard that I needed time. He told him that just because Richard MAY have been thinking about for years, all this had been thrown on me in a week's time. Richard said this is something that he has been wanting to do for a long time (I'm not sure if I believe that or not). He did say that it was a shock to walk in and see in the office. He knew I had worked for Dr. Thrash (he said he had people around town that would tell him stuff--kinda scary huh?), but he didn't know I had changed jobs. He said that he wanted me to hear his side of things. That he knew I had been told things and that he wasn't has bad as they said. Alan told him he didn't call about that. That he had just called to let him know that he needed to give me space and to keep all of this to himself (which he said he would do). Alan also told him that the this phone call didn't mean that Richard could speak to me when he came in for appointments, just not to be pushy.

At this point, I'm even more confused then I was yesterday. His glasses should be here within the next few days and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the meeting. Maybe I'll get tied up doing a visual field...

I Don't Really Know Where to Start...

2008-04-08T18:08:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that it has been four months since I've posted anything...Around the first of the year I started looking at myself and realized that I did not like the person I was (am) becoming. I used to be this sweet, kind, caring and optimistic girl. Now, I've turned into this cynical "I don't like people" girl. I've been trying to figure out what in the world has turned me into this person that I hate looking back at me. I have concluded that there are several things in my life that I need to face head on. I know I can only deal with one thing at a time and I'd wrestled with where I need to start. Little did I know that I would not be the one to make that decision.

Thursday before last, I answered the phone at work. It was one of our local factories saying that they needed to send one of their employees over. As soon as she said the name of the factory, I knew who they sending over. I don't really know what do call him--he was never a father to me or my brother so I'll just refer to him by his name--Richard.

Little background here...I haven't seen or spoken to Richard in years--last time I was in a room with him I was 18 asking the Judge to change my name to Busby (which is my Mom's maiden name). Before that day and since then, our only contact was maybe seeing each other at some store and then we didn't even look at each other. My parents divorced when I was 6 or 7. He wasn't a very good husband or father. I don't really know what happened between him or my mother, but I get the vibe that there may have been some abuse. He would pick us up every now and then, make promises and not keep them, etc and finally he just stopped coming around. When I was 12 or 13 Mom took him to court for child support. He claimed that he wanted something to do with us then, but we didn't want to see him. Throughout the years, I've had the fear of putting something in the paper (college graduation, wedding announcement, etc) because I was afraid that he would show up. Now, that I look back I think I did it because I wanted him to know I turned out great and made it without him.

Back to that Thursday. As soon, as I hung up the phone I immediately called Alan. He told to me calm and just tell Dr. Morris the situation and things were going to be fine. I went back to Dr. Morris' office and kinda filled him on the situation. He told me not to worry, that I didn't have to take Richard back or do any testing. Things would be fine. When he walked into the office, this look came over his face. It wasn't shock or dread or fear--I really can't describe it. I just kinda glanced up and then kept doing what I was doing. Dr. Morris kept true to his word and the girls made sure I didn't have to do anything for him. The doctor finished with him and he made his appointment to come back. I purposefully stayed up front to see if he would have the guts to say anything to me. On his way out, he stopped in front of my and I looked up--he said "hi", I said "hi" and then neither of us really knew what else to say. He left. I was shocked that he spoke and I was proud of myself for being nice and not bursting into tears. Now I just had his follow-up appointment to wonder about.

There are two things that are ironic that I have to point out. Two days before he came in, Alan and I were talking about him coming into the office and how I needed to handle it. I told Alan that the chances of him getting hurt on the job and coming to our office was very high--Wal-Mart won't take cases like that and the other eye doctor in town is never there). Second, he's follow-up appointment was on my brother's birthday (April 7th), three days after mine.

I really had my doubts that he would come back in. I thought if he didn't it would be because of me and if he did it would be because of me. Well, Monday he got there 20 minutes before his appointment. Again, the girls made sure I didn't have to take him back or do any of his pre-testing. Dr. Morris also made sure that he was in and out. When they finished with the exam and Richard had picked out his glasses I was busying fitting another patient with his glasses. Richard was almost finished ready to leave and I had to go back into the lab--I stayed in there hoping he would be gone when I came back out. Nope. I went back to my patient and he took his glasses and went to look out the window (for some reason a lot of patients do this--I guess they think the sun will make a difference). Well, Richard came over and asked me if he gave me something if I would take it. I said yeah. He said if I give you something for Brandon will you make sure he gets it. I again said yeah. He handed it to me. It was two birthday cards. I said, I didn't think you remembered. He said I do every year. His wife then jumped in and said that he wants to take us out to eat and get to know us. I then said "Well, all that is up to you. I'm the child and you are the parent. It is in your hands." Then she has been telling him for years that he needed to contact us. I again said "This is all up to you." The woman kept on and on about us calling him for a free dinner. I said AGAIN "This is all up to you." At this point I'm getting teary eyed. He's getting teary eyed. He finally looked me in the eyes and said, "I know sweetie." Those three words ripped my heart in two. His wife then asked if they could have a hug which I consented to.

With all this being said, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I really need some advice here. This subject is sensitive to me and many of you have never heard any of this before. Part of it is because I didn't really know what to say and the other part is that I have no childhood memories. I don't really know what happened. I barely remember him. All I have is assumptions that I got from my Mom--and those assumptions don't paint a very good picture of him. I see this going one of several different directions:

1. Not a thing happening
2. Us going to dinner. He says something negative about my Mom. Me getting pissed and leaving.
3. We try and forge some type of relationship and my Mom getting pissed.

As far as my Mom is concerned. I know they had a bad relationship. But that was their relationship. I understand her wanting to protect me. I just hopes she realizes that she raised a kid with a good head on her shoulders. I'm not going to buy into anything Richard might say and I'm not going to get myself into an unsafe situation. Alan will be with me every step of the way. I feel like I am owed some answers. I also know that I have to make amends with this situation. Whether I forgive at step one or I get my answers and forgive then--I know I have to forgive and make peace with all this.

Whoever reads this, I need some advice. This is what I'm thinking about doing. I don't think I should have to be the one to make the first step. I think I'm going on leave my phone number in a short note with his glasses. That way, when he picks them up it will there. I figure this way, if he wants to talk to me then he will have to make the first step. I'd appreciate any comments or e-mails! brandi_alan_smith@hotmail.com

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T19:19:00.000-06:00

A New Year's Kiss!

What Mom did New Year's Eve!

What Sadie did New Year's Eve.
Brandon
Doesn't he look cute?
My in the world are my cheeks so red (nope a drink of alcohol in me!)?

Family Pictures!

2008-01-02T19:06:00.000-06:00

My Grandmother came down for Christmas, so we took advantage and took a few family pictures!

Christmas Pictures!

2007-12-28T21:48:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures from Christmas. Christmas Eve we went to my Mom's for dinner and stockings. Christmas day we had breakfast back at Mom's. Then that evening we did our "Christmas" (my Brother had to work that day).

Wickett enjoy a box!

RAMBO! Brandon modeling.

Grandma ripping into a gift!
All things ladybug!
All things Tech!
Mom is going high-tech!

Mom opening a stocking gift!

Sadie and her new toy!
Us in front of Mom's tree!
Sadie Sue

Alan trying to undo a knot!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2007-12-24T12:32:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to take a minute and wish everyone a Merry Christmas!! We are going to my Mom's tonight and then they are coming here for Christmas Day! Stay tuned for pictures!

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!

2007-12-15T18:19:00.001-06:00

Last weekend we went to the tree farm and picked out our tree. We didn't realize how fat it was till we got it in our apartment! I think it is the fatest tree I have ever seen! We got our lights on it and decided that it needed some more. We added two strands of the fat light bulbs. Now it looks perfect!

Alan adding the star!

The finished product!

Gingy's Condo!

2007-12-15T17:58:00.000-06:00

Today Alan and I decided take on the task of making a gingerbread house. Well, actually we cheated and bought a kit. I don't think we would place on Food Network Challenge: Edible Gingerbread House, but we had fun making it! FYI, if get inspired and decide to make one-I'd wait longer than the recommended 15 mintues between assembly and decorating. Ours fell apart when we started working on the roof!

The "E-Z' kit
Before the decorations.
Alan eating the chimney (By the way, he said it didn't taste very good).
Gingy's Condo.

Gingy's Condo again--that is him with the Blue eyes!

What Can You Do With This?

2007-12-02T18:34:00.001-06:00

Well, I started with this...
and I got this!

Box full of Rudolphs!

My Mom and I were trying to figure out something to give our co-workers for Christmas. After some thinking, I came up with these pins! I think they turned out really cute! I can't wait to give them out tomorrow. I think I'm going to try and sell the extra ones. I would really like to make and sell crafts, but...it would take some money to get the inital supplies and right now that is just out of the question. Maybe next year!

Muller Optical

2007-11-14T18:50:00.000-06:00

Today my co-workers and I went on a field trip to Jackson, TN to visit the lab that makes our lenses. The people at Muller are so nice and very friendly. We talk to these people several times a day so it was nice to finally put a face to a name and a voice. They gave us a tour of the lab. I never knew how much it took to make lenses. After they passed out goody bags, they took us out to lunch to the Jackson's country club. It was SO good. Anyhow, we had a safe trip there and back. Thanks Muller!

Present (Within the Last Year)

2007-11-13T19:24:00.000-06:00

BRANDI AND ONE OF HER "MAIDS"--LAURA!

ALAN AND HIS FAMILY (OKAY...THIS ISN'T WITHIN THE LAST YEAR, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH)!

ALAN AND BRANDI

BRANDI

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

BRANDI'S FAMILY ACTING CRAZY--AS USUAL!

ALAN (MY FAVORITE PICTURE)!

Past (6 Years Ago)

2007-11-13T18:44:00.001-06:00

I thought that it would be fun to post some pictures from our wedding--just to see how people have changed--and even really how friendships have changed. I plan on posting some "Present" pictures, so stay tuned!

JUST MARRIED!

THE BUSBY FAMILY WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM!

THE SMITH FAMILY WITH THE GROOM

THE GROOM WITH HIS GROOMSMEN!

THE BRIDE'S FAVORITE PICTURE OF HER NEW HUSBAND!

THE GROOM'S FAVORITE PICTURE OF HIS NEW WIFE!

THE BRIDE WITH HER MAIDS AND FLOWER GIRL!

6 Happy Years!

2007-11-13T18:31:00.001-06:00

Six years ago today, I married my best friend. That day was truly the best day of my life. I remember like it was yesterday. The usher having trouble lighting the candles. The guys missing their cue--not once--not twice--not three times (finally one of friends had to go get them. Know what they were talking about? FOOTBALL!). One of the biggest things I remember is Alan waiting for me at the end of aisle. The look on his face was priceless. I also remember thinking that this was the longest walk of my life! I knew this was the start of something great--a new chapter to my life--our life. Over the last six years, we have loved, argued, laughed(oh gosh the laughs), cried and have grown--not only as individuals but as a couple. I am truly thankful that I have Alan in my life and can not imagine what my life would be like if he was not there. Alan, I love you. Thank you for making me your wife!

Does God Hate Me?

2007-11-01T15:44:00.000-05:00

To answer every one's question...no, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth and yes I'm still alive. You can also tell that last cycle we didn't get the results that we wanted (it's a very long story and I really don't want to rehash all the details--but the good thing out of is that I made my own egg! it was good size for the baseline ultrasound and was 2.9mm on the next ultrasound).

I really can't say that we are handling it any better than we did last time. We both are very angry, confused and bitter. We don't understand why everyone else seems to have what ever they want whenever they want it? Why does it always have to be the hard way for us? There are lyrics to an old Metallica song called "No Leaf Clover" that I keep repeating over and over in my head..."Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way". I'm so sick of getting our hopes us and then just when we see some light at the end of our tunnel--life smacks us right in the face.

I'm so tired of being a good person, trying to do the right thing, turning the other check, etc...WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE ONE THING I HAVE WANTED ALL MY LIFE? What have I done that is so wrong to make me not deserve it? True my life is better than some. I have a wonderful husband, great family, a job and a roof over my head. BUT it feels like there is always a constant battle for us to keep up. Why is it that some people can half-way do their job and never show up and make more than me? Why is it that people who never pay there bills, end up with a better credit score. Why is it fair for a 16 year old to have TWO babies, when I would love to have one? The more I see, the more I think that being a "better" person gets you nowhere.

I remember when I started college, I started questioning things that I had been taught all my life. One of the biggest was does God exist? After some time, thinking and just living life, I decided that he did. Now, as I stand on the threshold of my 30s, I'm wondering the same thing. I am starting to believe that if he does exist then I must be considered "one of his red-headed step-children" (not sure if everyone will get that one) and he enjoys hating me and putting me through this. Will I end up end with the same answer I got when I was 18? Honestly, I not sure.

To everyone who that I've pushed away. I'm sorry for doing that. I had to have a break from "on-line". That meant e-mails, my blog, phone calls, etc. To be honest, I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. I've just wanted to be left alone. I'm moody, sad, depressed--you name it. I know that this is going to continue with me for a while...not really sure what type of blogs I'll be writing, but please don't be offend if I write something that you don't necessarily agree with. Honestly, I feel that if you don't completely know my story and haven't been through what I've been through and what I will continue to go through, then you don't have the right to disagree or tell that I'm wrong for what I am saying. Again, I'm sorry for not staying in contact with everyone. I hope everyone understands.

"I Can't! The Princess is Busy Making Eggs!"

2007-09-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

We've been enjoying a lazy Saturday! Alan has been watching football and I've read a book (Beach Road by James Patterson--worth the read! big surprise at the end!). I guess I need to explain my title. Tonight after Big Al gave me my shot, I continued to lay on the bed for a little bit watching the rest of my LifeTime movie (not bad, but the last line at the end of the movie was DUMB!). Anyhow, Alan came in our bedroom a few minutes later and I asked him to get me something. He gave me a look like why can't you get up and get it. Without even thinking about it, I told him that I couldn't because the Princess was busy making eggs! I thought he was going to die! I think I'm going going to use this line to my advantage!

Alan's Pin Cushion

2007-09-20T20:05:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight was my forth injection. Alan is becoming a Pro! I think he may be enjoying this a little too much. I think I'm handling this round fairly well. I am having more side effects earlier this time. I'm really tired, don't really want much to eat and i feel very bloated! I've had a headache since Tuesday morning. Today I couldn't take it anymore. I called Dr. D's nurse and thankfully they called me something in. I really didn't know how I was going to handle another week of this. In talking to her, I found out that the other nurse scheduled my next appointment wrong. I now go in on Monday for ultrasound and blood work. That day we will find out if I have any eggies, how many and how big they are. My IUI is also set up for Wednesday afternoon. That means we should trigger on Tuesday! NOW I'M NERVOUS!!!! Please continue to pray for us!

Here Goes Round Two!

2007-09-18T17:30:00.000-05:00

Well, Aunt Flo showed up over the weekend. Monday I went in for my baseline ultrasound. Great news--NO CYSTS. Dr. D said everything looks great! Last night, Alan gave me my first shot. He did it like a pro. He has been calling me his "pin cushion." I'll do a shot everyday for the next two weeks (give or take a few days). Next Wednesday (the 26th) I got in for another ultrasound and we will check the progress of the eggies. If all looks great, then we will do the IUI on Friday. We are excited and hopeful! Please keep us in your prayers!

Storm

2007-09-13T19:00:00.000-05:00

Saw this at the end of e-mail forward and thought it was great!

Stop telling God how big your storm is.

Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is.

The Next Step!

2007-09-08T20:34:00.000-05:00

Well, things have been a little nuts around here and I haven't updated in a while. Last Sunday I got this nasty little stomach bug that stayed with me till about Wednesday. I feel better and so far Big Al hasn't gotten yet! Anyhow, on the knocked up front...After my HSG, Dr. D wanted to meet with me. I was in high hopes that this meant he wanted to be more aggressive...NOPE. Waste of my time and money. Basically, he wrote me a RX for the same dosage and sent me on my way. Long story short--after talking to Angela (his nurse), she did say that he did mention that if it doesn't work this time, then he will up the dose. We had hoped he wanted to do this cycle b/c if it doesn't work this month, then the next round of meds are FREE! but they only give you the highest dose free. If he does up the dose, that means we will have to pay the difference. We ordered the meds on Tuesday and they we delivered via Fed-Ex on Thursday. So we have our Gonal-F and trigger shot in the fridge. Alan is excited, but every time I think about those boxes in the fridge, I get sick to my stomach. It's not because of fear of the shots or the migraines--it's the fear that it won't work. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her appearance, we will start the shots on CD3 (cycle day). I should start near the end of the week. I do have a dr's apt the 17th for a quick ultrasound just to check for cysts. Everyone, please pray for me and Alan!!! We are very nervous and cautious. I plan on updating like I did last time we do the shots--with pics and stuff. Have a good weekend!

Whoo-Hoo! I'm all Clear!!

2007-08-24T17:16:00.000-05:00

First things first! MY TUBE IS CLEAR! Words cannot express how relieved we are! We had to leave FC by 6 A.M. Got to Jonesboro by 7:30 A.M. We had to check in--the highlight of this part is that the test ended up being about half of what they told me in the beginning! After that, a pink lady escorted us the the Radiology Department. After about a 15 minute wait, I was called back. Once I was changed, they took one x-ray of my pelvis. Like any other doc, Dr. D as running a little late. The whole time that I was waiting, I was praying so hard. Dr. D came in and put me right at ease. He knew who I was and told me what was going to happen. I then had to assume the position. I'll spare some of the details...He did have a hard time getting my cervix to cooperate (he said it was being shy)...finally after a little work, the catheter was in. I scooted back and then they called in the Radiologist. Once he was in position. Dr. D injected the radioactive dye. I had a little cramping, but not as much as I expected. Then I heard them say something about the right side being closed (makes sense, I don't have a right ovary). Then some of the sweetest words I have ever heard--THE LEFT IS OPEN!!!! After changing position a few times, the test was over. Dr. D removed the catheter, helped me up and I said "Well?". He said that everything looked great and was where it needed to be. The fluid flowed quickly and smoothly right through my tube. I told him that I could kiss him--he just laughed! He said to call Angela on Monday and we would go from there. When the nurse that helped out walked me back out, she said that now is the best time to try and get knocked up! This test kinda cleans out the cobwebs. Our plan is now to move on to "Operation Get Knocked Up! Phase 2!" Hopefully, our next cycle, we will be doing injections!! Please continue to pray for us and keep us in your thoughts!

Happy Birthday, Alan!

2007-08-24T17:01:00.000-05:00

The 19th was Alan's Birthday. Here are some pictures from the day!

Alan with his cake!

Did he get them all?

What is Hitler doing here?

Luke, I'm your Father!

Calli attacking the light saber!

Alan and me at Red Lobster!

Happy Birthday, Alan!

Wow, what a mug for me to put my beer in!

All things Tech!

GI Joe, the REAL American hero!

8/24/07

2007-08-17T23:06:00.000-05:00

Well, Aunt Flo showed up today which means we now have a date for my HSG. This next Friday at 8:00 A.M. We have to be in Jonesboro (at the hospital) by 7:30. I did find out that Dr. D will be the one to do the test. This eases some of my fears. I also know that with him doing the test we will know the results right away. I'm not afraid of the actual test but of the outcome. I don't want to say that I don't think anything is wrong because if there is and I come back and read where I said that, I will probably get really ticked. I'm doing my best not to think about it. Alan's birthday is this weekend and I want him to have a good weekend and not have to worry about me having a meltdown (I've already had one)! On a good note, Dr. D did change my BCP (I only have one more month). I have decided that Yasmin is a tool of the devil! It was giving me HORRIBLE migraines. He also changed my dosage of my Glucophage(a med for PCOS). We really couldn't afford it each month. The Glucophage is on the $4 list at Wal-Mart, so now price won't be an excuse. It's odd. My old dose (750mgs) was not on the list but 500mgs or 1000mgs was! He changed it to 500 twice a day. I did feel better taking it, so I'm ready to get back on it! Anyhow, I will post pictures of Alan's birthday later this week! Have a good weekend!

Update!

2007-08-08T12:37:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at work and realized that I haven't really updated on the baby-makin' process. We are currently waiting for Aunt Flo to make her appearance. I have about 5 left on my BCP so that means I should start sometime next week. When I do start, I have to call Angela (Dr. D's nurse) and have her set up my HSG.

Here is some info I found online about the test...

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray procedure that allows us to see an outline of the inside of your fallopian tubes and uterine cavity.

The HSG is performed on women who are undergoing infertility evaluation and treatment, or after a surgery has been performed on your uterus or tubes. If the X-ray findings demonstrate a tubal blockage, infection, or an abnormal uterine cavity, the physician will discuss this with you and recommend appropriate treatment.

Complications from the HSG are very rare but might include pelvic infection, allergic reaction to the dye or bleeding.
How is an HSG done?

The HSG X-ray procedure is performed in the Radiology Department. You will lay down on an X-ray table and your vagina and the area surrounding your vagina will be washed thoroughly. A speculum (the metal instrument used during a pap smear) is placed inside your vagina so that your cervix can be easily seen and washed. Instruments will be placed on and in your cervix, so that X-ray dye can be injected into your uterus and tubes. While the X-ray dye is injected, the physician will be able to watch the dye flow through your uterus and fallopian tubes on a T.V. screen. X-ray pictures of this procedure are taken and can be shown to you later. Once these pictures have been obtained, all of the instruments are removed. Shortly after the procedure, you may go back to work or home.

What does an HSG tell us?

The X-ray pictures of the uterus will show us the size and shape of your uterine cavity. The uterine cavity is shaped like a triangle and is where the fertilized egg implants itself. If your uterus has fibroid tumors, polyps, scar tissue, or an abnormal shape to the cavity, it will be seen on the X-ray pictures. The HSG shows the fallopian tubes as they fill up with dye, and we are able to watch the dye spill out of the tubes. This tells us that your tubes are open. Open fallopian tubes are necessary for transportation of the egg and sperm. This is where fertilization takes place. It is necessary to have at least one open fallopian tube if your infertility treatment is GIFT or TET.

Everytime I think about it, I feel like I'm going to barf. I'm getting anxious about. I know I need to just stop and put it in God's hands. Everyone please pray for my anxiety and stress. Also, please pray for good results. We have so much riding on this test!

Random Pics!

2007-07-28T15:20:00.001-05:00

These are just some random pics that I've taken over the last couple of months...The first one is of my brother Brandon. I think it just have been taken around my Mom's birthday.

Calli loves ribbon. If we put bows/ribbons on any present, it ends up in the middle of the floor. She will dig under the Christmas tree till she finds one with ribbon in it. Well, this time she find the spool of ribbon and dragged/spread it all over our apartment.

Here is Mom's dog Sadie performing her new trick! She really likes cool whip and now can catch it squirting from the bottle!

Last pic! Calli again. For some reason she has really gotten where she likes to lay on our T.V. trays. This is one time when Alan was trying to get her off. As you can tell, she wasn't going anywhere!

Alan's Early Birthday Present!

2007-07-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

All Alan has been talking about this summer is getting a new grill. Well, his birthday is in August (the 19th to be exact) and I decided to give him his gift early. He is so excited. He had it put together before I got up this morning and now he is smoking ribs. They smell GREAT and I'm sure they will taste good too! Oh yeah, ignore the signs hanging in the background. The neighbors that live behind us are old and crazy. We have never "trespassed" and don't intend to!

Concentrate on this Sentence.

2007-07-20T19:45:00.000-05:00

I got this on a e-mail forward and really liked it.

Concentrate on this sentence.....

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

I can not tell you how many times I have felt something fall from my grasp. Of course each time I have been devastated, but I now know that I'm not be punished for something that I did. I wasn't ready to receive that "good" thing yet. I know that in having to wait, I will enjoy and value the thing that I'm going to receive.

Concentrate on this sentence.....

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

When I do go through those devastating times, I used (and still do at times)to feel alone. I would feel like I was the only one in the world who felt has bad as I did. I know that I am a child of God's and he will never give me anything that I can not handle and that he will be there with with through every twist and turn.

WE'VE GOT SWIMMIES!

2007-07-17T17:24:00.000-05:00

We are so excited!!! We've been keeping a little secret. We didn't want anyone to know till the test came back normal. Here's the story... We piggy-backed a couple vacation days onto the weekend to make for a super vacation. Friday we went to Jonesboro and Alan had a semen analysis done. I will spare the details of it (nothing too bad--just a few details that keep us laughing). After a weekend of nerves, we got the results back today. All the test results came back normal. Everything is right where it needs to be. The actual count was 53 million. That is excellent. When I called Alan and told him, not only did I hear relief in his voice, but I could picture him puffing his chest up and out thinking, "I've got some strong sperm!". We both are giddy and relieved. Now it is my turn. My test is up in August!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 4. Because He Loved Her!

2007-07-09T18:29:00.000-05:00

Infertility does not just concern women--it affects men and women--But in different ways. Wives often have a hard time trying to understanding the difficulties their husbands face.

One of a husband's goals is to try and prevent their wife from suffering from any pain--whether physical or emotional. It is a man's nature to want to "fix" the problem. When they see that they can't, they then feel like they have to be the "strong one." As wives, we have to be careful and not take for granted our husband's strength when we see how they handle their pain. We may think that this struggle doesn't bother them or that they don't care as much as we do. Many times, men will deal with their grief, sadness and pain by doing all they know how to do--being strong! Husbands, please realize that your strength is very comforting to your wives. But when they see that you are vulnerable, it gives give that chance to be the strong one and they see that these things bother you just has deeply has they do her! It will make your marriage stronger sharing those vulnerable time together!

One of the side effects of infertility (unfortunately it isn't one very many people will talk about) is unfaithfulness. With the struggle of infertility, marriage can feel sad or lonely and it can become very easy to try and fill those voids outside the boundary of your marriage. Remember, God sees faithfulness as a heart issue, not just a physical act. It is important to note that no one is immune to temptation. If you are finding yourself being being unfaithful or on the verge, please take time to ask for forgiveness and strength to move on. Trust is a huge issue in marriage. It is so important to talk with you spouse--make time to talk about this issue and your battle against infertility. Most importantly PRAY for each other!

In this chapter, i discovered that behind an amazing woman--there was an amazing man! Elkanah loved Hannah very much. Many men in that time would have divorced Hannah in an heartbeat. True he took an additional wife, but by remaining married to Hannah, he affirmed his love for her. He also offered Hannah a double portion of the sacrificial feast. This was normally given to the oldest heir. No woman was part of this legacy. The firstborn was given double everything. For a woman to be given her own portion AND a portion for a child she did not have, showed that Elkanah was a great man. When Alan and I met and became serious, I was very straight forwarded with my "girl problems." He knew that I only had one ovary and that us having a child could possibly be a hard feat. Once we decided to start the process of having a baby, I struggled (I shouldn't used past tense here, I still struggle) with feelings that if Alan would have married a "normal" girl, he would have a child by now. That I was not only letting him down, but our parents and families. These feelings often eat me up, but when Alan comes in and puts those arms around me (yes, he has an uncanny way of knowing when I'm hurting--and yes, one of his hugs make it so much better), I know that he loves me and will love me no matter what. I too have a great man behind me.

BURDEN BEARS (FOR GUYS)

When you know of someone who has lost a child (miscarriage, still birth, etc) please take note that the wife isn't the only one hurting. Husbands may not express it verbally but he is hurting and needs the same respect his wife does. If you know of a couples struggles, please don't comment or may jokes ("shooting blank, huh?" or "knocked up the wife yet?"). Unless you have been through it, please don't pretend to know what a friend is going through.

Happy 4th!

2007-07-04T11:36:00.000-05:00

We wanted to talk time and wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July!

SICK AGAIN!

2007-06-19T10:12:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday I had to go back to the doctor--been here every month for the last 4. Another sinus infection...this time strep to go with it. I feel like poop and have missed the last two days of work. I really hated to miss because one of the girls in on vacation, so that left two of them stretched tight. But I would not have been of any help, I'm so behind on this blog--pics, Hannah's Hope, etc...I promise that once I'm back up and running I'll get it all caught up!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 3. Is God Punishing Me?

2007-06-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

God promised that none of His people would miscarry or be barren (Exodus 23:26). All the Israelites had to do was worship God and do all He had commanded and God's protection and blessing would be poured upon them. What was Hannah to think when she didn't conceive? Was she being punished for her sins? Was the talk around the village that Hannah was childless because she was a sinner?

From what I have read Hannah was not barren due to her sins. I believe that Hannah's "puzzle" was very close to Job's. Both were put through trials--neither sinned nor cursed God. I have felt (and still feel at times) that I'm being punished for my sins. In talking with other girls in my same situation, I know that I am not alone. I also know that I'm wrong to feel that way. The Bible says that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. There is no big too big or too small. If you have admitted your past to God and repented--He has already washed you clean. The question is --WILL YOU ACCEPT? I have realized something--I haven't FULLY accepted...

BUT I HAVE NOW!

Now that I have accepted God's grace, I'm asking you to take the same invitation. God was you (and all of us) to have a personal relationship where he will listen to the cries of your heart. Before you can have that relationship, you must first ask for forgiveness--and it must be accepted before it will be any good. Jennifer Saake paraphrases John 3:16 in a way I have never thought of--"For God so longed to call me His child, that he offered me the life of his only biological Son to pay the price of my adoption (Page 47). Jesus has already paid my debt for my sins by dying on the cross. When we continue to carry our guilt and believe that we are punished due to our sins, we are buying into Satan's lies. Jesus came to set us free from those lies. If you are feeling haunted by your past, take time to deal to deal with those issues. If you having doubt if there is even a God, ask Him to make himself known to you. Confess your sins and your grief will ease. Finally, thank him for sending his Son to die for you. If you have truly accepted God has your Father and you his Child--He does not desire to cause you suffer or cause you pain. God hurts just has you hurting.

Okay, you say that God isn't punishing me because of sins--then way am I having trouble having a child? I believe that God uses any struggle (difficulty getting pregnant, loss of job, financial trouble, spousal problems, etc), as a time of testing. This testing reveals any heart issues that you still need to address before Him. God uses trials to get our attention and draw us closer to Him (Page 49). If you ask Him to reveal those things to you, he will show you. Conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit. God will show you the things that you are ready to deal with. The Bible tells us that we are called to be disciples of Christ. A disciple's goal is train, mold and perfect. We are in training (like a Marine!) and it takes discipline. I believe that God is using this time in my life as a time of discipline. The key is, I have to let him.

Discipline is hard and can be painful. But it is part of the Christian walk. This walk can be and will be hard. It will allow you to grow and change in ways you never thought was possible. This fertility issue can cause us to grow in great may areas--as an individual, as a couple and as a Christian. The key is you must seek God through your pain. When you are at your lowest (after a BFN, when you find out your best friend is pregnant--girls you know what I'm talking about ! :) )--crawl up in God's lap and let Him one that you lean on!

BURDEN BEARERS

Friends, please don't tell me that I'm being punished. I am already rehashing my life to find out what did to find out why I'm in bad favor with God. Infertility already causes a false sense of blame and guilt. If you feel like that I am being punished, then please pray for me. Like all of us, I could use them!

Mom's Birthday!

2007-05-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

I'm a little late in posting this but...Mom's birthday was May 6th. We surprised her and took her to Johnny Carino's in Little Rock (it is so good!!!). Then we came back to our apartment for gifts and cake!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 2 Envy, Jealousy and Rivalry

2007-05-18T16:41:00.000-05:00

The more I read of Hannah's Hope, the more alike Hannah and I are. When Peninnah joined their family, Hannah struggled with feelings of jealousy and considered her a rival. Each time I hear of friend or family member becoming pregnant, I feel the same way. I know that these feelings of jealousy and that I'm competing with friends and family members are not godly--I however can not help but feel that way.

Nearly every month I learn about someone else I know who has become pregnant. These feelings of jealousy eat me up--I what to be so excited for these people, but deep down I just want to scream! Each time I hear of the "good news", I pray to God for me to be next! Everywhere I go I see very pregnant women or tiny babies. I dread going to the store--I've gotten where I try my hardest to bypass the baby section. If I do have to pass it, I bite my lip in hopes of not crying! When I hear of a 16 year old who is pregnant for the second time complain about much weight she has gained, I begin to wonder how a just God can send a baby to ungrateful people rather than into our open and willing arms? How come other couples are more qualified to be parents? True, we don't have a lot of money, but we pay our bills, have a home and we know the responsibilities that entail being parents--doesn't God owe us something?

NO!!! I am not owed a baby or an explanation. Hannah had no idea that God was going to bless her with a son that would one day lead God's people. To accuse God of making a mistake would be like trying to see the whole puzzle with just the outline done! Like Hannah, I only see one tiny piece of the God's puzzle. God sees the whole puzzle from start to finish!

What about when God's puzzle doesn't make sense? When God gives a child to someone I see as undeserving, maybe God's puzzle has as much to do with the mom as the child? God times the timing of each life to fulfill the plan he has set! If God had given Hannah a child when she first wanted him, would she have ever dedicated Samuel? I have come realize something--In order to prepare Hannah's heart and the circumstances that would lead Samuel to anoint kings--HEARTACHE HAD TO COME FIRST (Hannah's Hope, page 38)!

BURDEN BEARERS

Friends, please realize that investing in a friendship with me may be costly. I do not mean to be hard to live with or moody. Because I am hurting, I may intentionally hurt you in self-defense. Also, if you are about to start conceiving ask me how I want to receive the news (phone call, letter, through friends). If you are expecting and can't figure out how to tell me, please find some way to tell me before it becomes public knowledge. That way I will be able to cope privately and not embarrass myself.

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 1 Family Ties

2007-05-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a wonderful book called Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. I have fallen behind on my reading and really miss it. I thought that one way to get the full understanding of each chapter would be to write about it each week. Please don't expect it to make perfect sense or to be a work of art--I'm just going to write what I got out of it and how I feel. Please feel free to read each entry and leave comments. THANKS!

On a weekly basis I am asked when Alan and I are going to start a family--like the author says--we started a family the day we were married. Why do people think that it takes more than two to be a family? A family is the most basic group in which people have always lived (Hannha's Hope pg 25)--it is how we define our selves. ALAN AND I ARE A FAMILY! I want to tell these people of the pills I have taken, the shots that Alan has injected into my belly--of the countless tests I have taken--but I know that they are making small talk. I say in a steady voice--"Hopefully soon."

Hannah went into her marriage with the same hopes and desire that I did. She wanted to have a child with the man that she loved. She wanted her son to be the one to carry on her husband's name. Month after month, all she could do was lean on God and seek his heart. I know that every couple that seeks his heart is not promised a child--but God is a big God. He can heal every broken and bitter heart (Hannah's Hope pg. 20)

At the end of every chapter there is a little section called "Burden Bearers". It is a little something for friends of couples like Alan and myself.

BURDEN BEARERS

Please don't let the first few words between us be "Got any kids?". These questions strike very close to my heart--something along the lines of "so, tell me a little bit about you." breaks the ice much easier. Anyone whose life is less than perfect (jobless, single, childless, etc) will appreicate you for it!

Holy Cow! 24 Pounds!

2007-04-28T18:18:00.000-05:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I weighed this morning at the gym and to my surprise I have lost 23 pounds. I didn't my happy dance and everyone just laughed at me! I'm up to 2 miles and have increased how much I'm doing on all the weight machines. I'm also up to 100 sit-ups...that's right 100! WHOO-HOO TO ME!!!

Down a Scrub Pant Size!

2007-04-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

When I weighed in last Monday, I hadn't lost a pound. I was pretty upset...but then I really began to notice how loose my clothes were! Not only my work clothes--my street clothes are drooping!!! This weekend I had to buy a scrub bottom from Wal-mart...they didn't have the size that I thought I needed but Alan convinced me to try on the size smaller--to my amazement THEY FIT!!! I was so excited. I was doing my happy dance all over the fitting area at Wal-Mart!!!

On the work-out front-- we are up to walking 2 miles, I'm doing 80 sit-ups and I believe that Alan is doing 120. We just signed up for out 2nd month at the fitness center. I'm so proud that we are finally sticking to working out and eating better!

Exercise!

2007-04-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I hadn't posted anything new about our diet and exercise. For those of you that know me well, you are thinking that I've quiet and am the fast track back to carbtown. You are WRONG!! :) We are still exercising daily (up to walking a mile and half, weights, and I'm doing 70 sit-ups--Alan over 100--show off!) and are low-carbing. It's been about two weeks since I've weighed (with my b-day, Bub's b-day and Easter--no way was I going to weigh!). I plan on weighing in on Monday and when I do, I will be sure and post something. I believe that I have lost--pounds and inches. I'm finally getting some curves at my sides!! WHOO-HOO!

Zoo!

2007-04-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

Two men in a boat!

Brandon in Indian artwork!

Polar bear goin' in for a plunge!

My silly Alan!
I love my bamboo!

Brandon and Mom.

Brandi and Alan

GRRR!! I'm a Chinese Alligator!

Lions, Tigers and Cheetahs?

Dinner time!

Here are a few pictures from the Zoo. We had a great time--even if we did freeze our butts off! But with the weather being cold, most of the animals were up and about!

Brandon's Birthday!

2007-04-09T20:17:00.000-05:00

Brandon's Birthday was April 7. We all went to Memphis and went to the zoo (pics will posted next post) and then out to eat. I think we all had a great time!

My Birthday!

2007-04-05T20:04:00.000-05:00

I had a really great birthday! My Mom made my favorite meal--Cream Tacos and a wilted salad. It was so good and I really enjoyed it! Mom and Brandon decorated the house--it turned out great! Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, cards, thoughts and presents. It really means a lot to me!

HodgePodge of Pictures!

2007-04-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

Sadie and the battle for the plate!

Alan "wearing" my crown!

My "big" gift from Alan. I had been wanting a right hand diamond ring for a few years now! Didn't Alan do good?

Gifts from Mom and Brandon!

Bubba!

Me and Big Al!

Alan's Wrestling Face!

2007-04-05T19:50:00.000-05:00

Doesn't he look cute? Enough said!

Suzanne Sugarbaker

2007-04-05T19:46:00.000-05:00

Here is me in my Crown!! Ever since I was a teen (or maybe before), my family always called me Suzanne Sugarbaker. I thought (and think) that every girl deserves a crown. My Mom makes sure that every birthday I have one!

My Cake!

2007-04-05T19:39:00.000-05:00

I really got spoiled this Birthday!! Alan made me a wonderful German Chocolate Cake. It was so good! It was the first chocolate that I'd had in almost a month. Well worth the wait!

Early Birthday Present!

2007-04-01T15:15:00.001-05:00

This Wednesday I will celebrate the big 3-0. My Mom gave me my Birthday present early! We got new furniture with our tax return. Once it got moved in we realized how bad we needed a new entertainment center! It looks really good and we are enjoying it! Here are some pics! THANKS MOM! Once we get some stuff for the walls and some of pictures enlarged, I think our living room will be just what we wanted!!

13 Pounds!

2007-03-30T21:58:00.000-05:00

We are now a week and half into our work out and just about three weeks into our "life style change" (AKA as DIET) and I've lost 13 pounds!!!!! I'm so excited. I haven't weighted again since last Sat...I asked Alan to hide the scale so that I wouldn't step on them everyday. I hope to weight in tomorrow. We are walking a mile and doing some of the weights. I'm huffing and puffing less and less--as soon as I stop we are going to step it up to a mile and half! As I lose more and more I will start posting pics.

We have a big week coming up. I hit the big 3-0 on Wed and my Brother has his birthday on Sat. We are going to the zoo on Sat with my Mom and Brother to celebrate. I will post pics of all the excitement!

Walkin'

2007-03-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

We joined the Multi-purpose center today. The center is so much nicer than I had expected. B-ball courts, walking track (that's padded), weight machines, pool tables, rooms for conferences, etc. Eight times around the track makes a mile-WE MADE IT EIGHT TIMES. I would have liked to have gone some more, but I was afraid of over doing it...I had to have knee surgery several years ago and if I do too much it can flare up. Anyhow, I'm also down another two pounds, so that makes 8!

Down

2007-03-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

The last few days I have felt really down. I don't know if it is because of my impending birthday (yes, I will be hitting the big 3-0) or the fact I'm not a mom yet...all I know is that I'm down and I hate feeling this way.

On other fronts, Alan and I started a diet last Monday. I am down 6 pounds. I'm really excited and for some reason, I'm really motivated. We are going to join our town's multi-purpose center tomorrow. They have a walking track, weight machines and b-ball courts. We can use it has much as we want for about 25 bucks a month. Not bad! I'm hoping that once we start walking, the weight will really start coming off!

I have started reading a great book called Hannah's Hope. I'm hoping that it will be give me some idea of how to handle all that I'm going through. I think I might write a little summary of each chapter--what to you think?

Strep Throat and Double Ear Infection

2007-03-02T20:21:00.000-06:00

For the last 3 or 4 weeks, Big Al has been battling a cold. I was so doing so good--hadn't caught it. Wednesday morning I woke up with a horrible sore throat. Thought Okay, it is from drainage. Well, two days later and several slushies later, my throat was worse. This morning when Alan checked it and my tonsils was really swollen but no white patches. I had lunch with my Mom and since she is a nurse I had her check it out...the dreaded white patches. Luckily, my doc here in town was able to get me in. The verdict is strep throat and ear infections. I think he was more concerned with my ears than my throat. I feel really bad--Big Al is taking good care of me! Hopefully, I'll get a day or so of the antibiotic in my system and I'll be good as new! He also gave me some of the good cough syrup--I hope I can get a good sleep tonight!

Putting an End to Self-Pity

2007-02-23T20:00:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I work in an eye doctor's office. One of my many job duties is helping patients pick out and fit them for glasses. Well, one day we had a girl come in and right away I noticed that she was extremely skinny and obviously was wearing a wig. I immediately thought that this girl has cancer. After reviewing her paperwork, I saw that I was right. She has been battling cervical cancer for 6 years. This girl is just 23. I've been stuck in a rut and feeling sorry for myself--seeing this girl and knowing that everyday she battles for her life made me realize that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and be grateful for what I have (a wonderful hubby, mom and bubba who love me, life itself, a home, a good job, etc). I know someday that I will be a Mom. I just have to put my faith in God--that in his time it will happen.