Muller Optical

Today my co-workers and I went on a field trip to Jackson, TN to visit the lab that makes our lenses. The people at Muller are so nice and very friendly. We talk to these people several times a day so it was nice to finally put a face to a name and a voice. They gave us a tour of the lab. I never knew how much it took to make lenses. After they passed out goody bags, they took us out to lunch to the Jackson's country club. It was SO good. Anyhow, we had a safe trip there and back. Thanks Muller!

Present (Within the Last Year)

BRANDI AND ONE OF HER "MAIDS"--LAURA!


ALAN AND HIS FAMILY (OKAY...THIS ISN'T WITHIN THE LAST YEAR, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH)!


ALAN AND BRANDI


BRANDI


K-I-S-S-I-N-G

BRANDI'S FAMILY ACTING CRAZY--AS USUAL!

ALAN (MY FAVORITE PICTURE)!

Past (6 Years Ago)

I thought that it would be fun to post some pictures from our wedding--just to see how people have changed--and even really how friendships have changed. I plan on posting some "Present" pictures, so stay tuned!

JUST MARRIED!


THE BUSBY FAMILY WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM!


THE SMITH FAMILY WITH THE GROOM


THE GROOM WITH HIS GROOMSMEN!


THE BRIDE'S FAVORITE PICTURE OF HER NEW HUSBAND!


THE GROOM'S FAVORITE PICTURE OF HIS NEW WIFE!


THE BRIDE WITH HER MAIDS AND FLOWER GIRL!

6 Happy Years!

Six years ago today, I married my best friend. That day was truly the best day of my life. I remember like it was yesterday. The usher having trouble lighting the candles. The guys missing their cue--not once--not twice--not three times (finally one of friends had to go get them. Know what they were talking about? FOOTBALL!). One of the biggest things I remember is Alan waiting for me at the end of aisle. The look on his face was priceless. I also remember thinking that this was the longest walk of my life! I knew this was the start of something great--a new chapter to my life--our life. Over the last six years, we have loved, argued, laughed(oh gosh the laughs), cried and have grown--not only as individuals but as a couple. I am truly thankful that I have Alan in my life and can not imagine what my life would be like if he was not there. Alan, I love you. Thank you for making me your wife!

Does God Hate Me?

To answer every one's question...no, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth and yes I'm still alive. You can also tell that last cycle we didn't get the results that we wanted (it's a very long story and I really don't want to rehash all the details--but the good thing out of is that I made my own egg! it was good size for the baseline ultrasound and was 2.9mm on the next ultrasound).

I really can't say that we are handling it any better than we did last time. We both are very angry, confused and bitter. We don't understand why everyone else seems to have what ever they want whenever they want it? Why does it always have to be the hard way for us? There are lyrics to an old Metallica song called "No Leaf Clover" that I keep repeating over and over in my head..."Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way". I'm so sick of getting our hopes us and then just when we see some light at the end of our tunnel--life smacks us right in the face.

I'm so tired of being a good person, trying to do the right thing, turning the other check, etc...WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE ONE THING I HAVE WANTED ALL MY LIFE? What have I done that is so wrong to make me not deserve it? True my life is better than some. I have a wonderful husband, great family, a job and a roof over my head. BUT it feels like there is always a constant battle for us to keep up. Why is it that some people can half-way do their job and never show up and make more than me? Why is it that people who never pay there bills, end up with a better credit score. Why is it fair for a 16 year old to have TWO babies, when I would love to have one? The more I see, the more I think that being a "better" person gets you nowhere.

I remember when I started college, I started questioning things that I had been taught all my life. One of the biggest was does God exist? After some time, thinking and just living life, I decided that he did. Now, as I stand on the threshold of my 30s, I'm wondering the same thing. I am starting to believe that if he does exist then I must be considered "one of his red-headed step-children" (not sure if everyone will get that one) and he enjoys hating me and putting me through this. Will I end up end with the same answer I got when I was 18? Honestly, I not sure.

To everyone who that I've pushed away. I'm sorry for doing that. I had to have a break from "on-line". That meant e-mails, my blog, phone calls, etc. To be honest, I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. I've just wanted to be left alone. I'm moody, sad, depressed--you name it. I know that this is going to continue with me for a while...not really sure what type of blogs I'll be writing, but please don't be offend if I write something that you don't necessarily agree with. Honestly, I feel that if you don't completely know my story and haven't been through what I've been through and what I will continue to go through, then you don't have the right to disagree or tell that I'm wrong for what I am saying. Again, I'm sorry for not staying in contact with everyone. I hope everyone understands.

"I Can't! The Princess is Busy Making Eggs!"

We've been enjoying a lazy Saturday! Alan has been watching football and I've read a book (Beach Road by James Patterson--worth the read! big surprise at the end!). I guess I need to explain my title. Tonight after Big Al gave me my shot, I continued to lay on the bed for a little bit watching the rest of my LifeTime movie (not bad, but the last line at the end of the movie was DUMB!). Anyhow, Alan came in our bedroom a few minutes later and I asked him to get me something. He gave me a look like why can't you get up and get it. Without even thinking about it, I told him that I couldn't because the Princess was busy making eggs! I thought he was going to die! I think I'm going going to use this line to my advantage!

Alan's Pin Cushion

Well, tonight was my forth injection. Alan is becoming a Pro! I think he may be enjoying this a little too much. I think I'm handling this round fairly well. I am having more side effects earlier this time. I'm really tired, don't really want much to eat and i feel very bloated! I've had a headache since Tuesday morning. Today I couldn't take it anymore. I called Dr. D's nurse and thankfully they called me something in. I really didn't know how I was going to handle another week of this. In talking to her, I found out that the other nurse scheduled my next appointment wrong. I now go in on Monday for ultrasound and blood work. That day we will find out if I have any eggies, how many and how big they are. My IUI is also set up for Wednesday afternoon. That means we should trigger on Tuesday! NOW I'M NERVOUS!!!! Please continue to pray for us!

Here Goes Round Two!

Well, Aunt Flo showed up over the weekend. Monday I went in for my baseline ultrasound. Great news--NO CYSTS. Dr. D said everything looks great! Last night, Alan gave me my first shot. He did it like a pro. He has been calling me his "pin cushion." I'll do a shot everyday for the next two weeks (give or take a few days). Next Wednesday (the 26th) I got in for another ultrasound and we will check the progress of the eggies. If all looks great, then we will do the IUI on Friday. We are excited and hopeful! Please keep us in your prayers!

Storm

Saw this at the end of e-mail forward and thought it was great!

Stop telling God how big your storm is.

Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is.

The Next Step!

Well, things have been a little nuts around here and I haven't updated in a while. Last Sunday I got this nasty little stomach bug that stayed with me till about Wednesday. I feel better and so far Big Al hasn't gotten yet! Anyhow, on the knocked up front...After my HSG, Dr. D wanted to meet with me. I was in high hopes that this meant he wanted to be more aggressive...NOPE. Waste of my time and money. Basically, he wrote me a RX for the same dosage and sent me on my way. Long story short--after talking to Angela (his nurse), she did say that he did mention that if it doesn't work this time, then he will up the dose. We had hoped he wanted to do this cycle b/c if it doesn't work this month, then the next round of meds are FREE! but they only give you the highest dose free. If he does up the dose, that means we will have to pay the difference. We ordered the meds on Tuesday and they we delivered via Fed-Ex on Thursday. So we have our Gonal-F and trigger shot in the fridge. Alan is excited, but every time I think about those boxes in the fridge, I get sick to my stomach. It's not because of fear of the shots or the migraines--it's the fear that it won't work. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her appearance, we will start the shots on CD3 (cycle day). I should start near the end of the week. I do have a dr's apt the 17th for a quick ultrasound just to check for cysts. Everyone, please pray for me and Alan!!! We are very nervous and cautious. I plan on updating like I did last time we do the shots--with pics and stuff. Have a good weekend!

Whoo-Hoo! I'm all Clear!!

First things first! MY TUBE IS CLEAR! Words cannot express how relieved we are! We had to leave FC by 6 A.M. Got to Jonesboro by 7:30 A.M. We had to check in--the highlight of this part is that the test ended up being about half of what they told me in the beginning! After that, a pink lady escorted us the the Radiology Department. After about a 15 minute wait, I was called back. Once I was changed, they took one x-ray of my pelvis. Like any other doc, Dr. D as running a little late. The whole time that I was waiting, I was praying so hard. Dr. D came in and put me right at ease. He knew who I was and told me what was going to happen. I then had to assume the position. I'll spare some of the details...He did have a hard time getting my cervix to cooperate (he said it was being shy)...finally after a little work, the catheter was in. I scooted back and then they called in the Radiologist. Once he was in position. Dr. D injected the radioactive dye. I had a little cramping, but not as much as I expected. Then I heard them say something about the right side being closed (makes sense, I don't have a right ovary). Then some of the sweetest words I have ever heard--THE LEFT IS OPEN!!!! After changing position a few times, the test was over. Dr. D removed the catheter, helped me up and I said "Well?". He said that everything looked great and was where it needed to be. The fluid flowed quickly and smoothly right through my tube. I told him that I could kiss him--he just laughed! He said to call Angela on Monday and we would go from there. When the nurse that helped out walked me back out, she said that now is the best time to try and get knocked up! This test kinda cleans out the cobwebs. Our plan is now to move on to "Operation Get Knocked Up! Phase 2!" Hopefully, our next cycle, we will be doing injections!! Please continue to pray for us and keep us in your thoughts!

Happy Birthday, Alan!

The 19th was Alan's Birthday. Here are some pictures from the day!

Alan with his cake!


Did he get them all?


What is Hitler doing here?


Luke, I'm your Father!


Calli attacking the light saber!


Alan and me at Red Lobster!


Happy Birthday, Alan!


Wow, what a mug for me to put my beer in!


All things Tech!


GI Joe, the REAL American hero!

8/24/07

Well, Aunt Flo showed up today which means we now have a date for my HSG. This next Friday at 8:00 A.M. We have to be in Jonesboro (at the hospital) by 7:30. I did find out that Dr. D will be the one to do the test. This eases some of my fears. I also know that with him doing the test we will know the results right away. I'm not afraid of the actual test but of the outcome. I don't want to say that I don't think anything is wrong because if there is and I come back and read where I said that, I will probably get really ticked. I'm doing my best not to think about it. Alan's birthday is this weekend and I want him to have a good weekend and not have to worry about me having a meltdown (I've already had one)! On a good note, Dr. D did change my BCP (I only have one more month). I have decided that Yasmin is a tool of the devil! It was giving me HORRIBLE migraines. He also changed my dosage of my Glucophage(a med for PCOS). We really couldn't afford it each month. The Glucophage is on the $4 list at Wal-Mart, so now price won't be an excuse. It's odd. My old dose (750mgs) was not on the list but 500mgs or 1000mgs was! He changed it to 500 twice a day. I did feel better taking it, so I'm ready to get back on it! Anyhow, I will post pictures of Alan's birthday later this week! Have a good weekend!

Update!

I was sitting at work and realized that I haven't really updated on the baby-makin' process. We are currently waiting for Aunt Flo to make her appearance. I have about 5 left on my BCP so that means I should start sometime next week. When I do start, I have to call Angela (Dr. D's nurse) and have her set up my HSG.

Here is some info I found online about the test...

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray procedure that allows us to see an outline of the inside of your fallopian tubes and uterine cavity.

The HSG is performed on women who are undergoing infertility evaluation and treatment, or after a surgery has been performed on your uterus or tubes. If the X-ray findings demonstrate a tubal blockage, infection, or an abnormal uterine cavity, the physician will discuss this with you and recommend appropriate treatment.

Complications from the HSG are very rare but might include pelvic infection, allergic reaction to the dye or bleeding.
How is an HSG done?

The HSG X-ray procedure is performed in the Radiology Department. You will lay down on an X-ray table and your vagina and the area surrounding your vagina will be washed thoroughly. A speculum (the metal instrument used during a pap smear) is placed inside your vagina so that your cervix can be easily seen and washed. Instruments will be placed on and in your cervix, so that X-ray dye can be injected into your uterus and tubes. While the X-ray dye is injected, the physician will be able to watch the dye flow through your uterus and fallopian tubes on a T.V. screen. X-ray pictures of this procedure are taken and can be shown to you later. Once these pictures have been obtained, all of the instruments are removed. Shortly after the procedure, you may go back to work or home.

What does an HSG tell us?

The X-ray pictures of the uterus will show us the size and shape of your uterine cavity. The uterine cavity is shaped like a triangle and is where the fertilized egg implants itself. If your uterus has fibroid tumors, polyps, scar tissue, or an abnormal shape to the cavity, it will be seen on the X-ray pictures. The HSG shows the fallopian tubes as they fill up with dye, and we are able to watch the dye spill out of the tubes. This tells us that your tubes are open. Open fallopian tubes are necessary for transportation of the egg and sperm. This is where fertilization takes place. It is necessary to have at least one open fallopian tube if your infertility treatment is GIFT or TET.

Everytime I think about it, I feel like I'm going to barf. I'm getting anxious about. I know I need to just stop and put it in God's hands. Everyone please pray for my anxiety and stress. Also, please pray for good results. We have so much riding on this test!

Random Pics!

These are just some random pics that I've taken over the last couple of months...The first one is of my brother Brandon. I think it just have been taken around my Mom's birthday.




Calli loves ribbon. If we put bows/ribbons on any present, it ends up in the middle of the floor. She will dig under the Christmas tree till she finds one with ribbon in it. Well, this time she find the spool of ribbon and dragged/spread it all over our apartment.


Here is Mom's dog Sadie performing her new trick! She really likes cool whip and now can catch it squirting from the bottle!


Last pic! Calli again. For some reason she has really gotten where she likes to lay on our T.V. trays. This is one time when Alan was trying to get her off. As you can tell, she wasn't going anywhere!

Alan's Early Birthday Present!

All Alan has been talking about this summer is getting a new grill. Well, his birthday is in August (the 19th to be exact) and I decided to give him his gift early. He is so excited. He had it put together before I got up this morning and now he is smoking ribs. They smell GREAT and I'm sure they will taste good too! Oh yeah, ignore the signs hanging in the background. The neighbors that live behind us are old and crazy. We have never "trespassed" and don't intend to!

Concentrate on this Sentence.

I got this on a e-mail forward and really liked it.

Concentrate on this sentence.....

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.


I can not tell you how many times I have felt something fall from my grasp. Of course each time I have been devastated, but I now know that I'm not be punished for something that I did. I wasn't ready to receive that "good" thing yet. I know that in having to wait, I will enjoy and value the thing that I'm going to receive.


Concentrate on this sentence.....

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.


When I do go through those devastating times, I used (and still do at times)to feel alone. I would feel like I was the only one in the world who felt has bad as I did. I know that I am a child of God's and he will never give me anything that I can not handle and that he will be there with with through every twist and turn.

WE'VE GOT SWIMMIES!

We are so excited!!! We've been keeping a little secret. We didn't want anyone to know till the test came back normal. Here's the story... We piggy-backed a couple vacation days onto the weekend to make for a super vacation. Friday we went to Jonesboro and Alan had a semen analysis done. I will spare the details of it (nothing too bad--just a few details that keep us laughing). After a weekend of nerves, we got the results back today. All the test results came back normal. Everything is right where it needs to be. The actual count was 53 million. That is excellent. When I called Alan and told him, not only did I hear relief in his voice, but I could picture him puffing his chest up and out thinking, "I've got some strong sperm!". We both are giddy and relieved. Now it is my turn. My test is up in August!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 4. Because He Loved Her!

Infertility does not just concern women--it affects men and women--But in different ways. Wives often have a hard time trying to understanding the difficulties their husbands face.

One of a husband's goals is to try and prevent their wife from suffering from any pain--whether physical or emotional. It is a man's nature to want to "fix" the problem. When they see that they can't, they then feel like they have to be the "strong one." As wives, we have to be careful and not take for granted our husband's strength when we see how they handle their pain. We may think that this struggle doesn't bother them or that they don't care as much as we do. Many times, men will deal with their grief, sadness and pain by doing all they know how to do--being strong! Husbands, please realize that your strength is very comforting to your wives. But when they see that you are vulnerable, it gives give that chance to be the strong one and they see that these things bother you just has deeply has they do her! It will make your marriage stronger sharing those vulnerable time together!

One of the side effects of infertility (unfortunately it isn't one very many people will talk about) is unfaithfulness. With the struggle of infertility, marriage can feel sad or lonely and it can become very easy to try and fill those voids outside the boundary of your marriage. Remember, God sees faithfulness as a heart issue, not just a physical act. It is important to note that no one is immune to temptation. If you are finding yourself being being unfaithful or on the verge, please take time to ask for forgiveness and strength to move on. Trust is a huge issue in marriage. It is so important to talk with you spouse--make time to talk about this issue and your battle against infertility. Most importantly PRAY for each other!

In this chapter, i discovered that behind an amazing woman--there was an amazing man! Elkanah loved Hannah very much. Many men in that time would have divorced Hannah in an heartbeat. True he took an additional wife, but by remaining married to Hannah, he affirmed his love for her. He also offered Hannah a double portion of the sacrificial feast. This was normally given to the oldest heir. No woman was part of this legacy. The firstborn was given double everything. For a woman to be given her own portion AND a portion for a child she did not have, showed that Elkanah was a great man. When Alan and I met and became serious, I was very straight forwarded with my "girl problems." He knew that I only had one ovary and that us having a child could possibly be a hard feat. Once we decided to start the process of having a baby, I struggled (I shouldn't used past tense here, I still struggle) with feelings that if Alan would have married a "normal" girl, he would have a child by now. That I was not only letting him down, but our parents and families. These feelings often eat me up, but when Alan comes in and puts those arms around me (yes, he has an uncanny way of knowing when I'm hurting--and yes, one of his hugs make it so much better), I know that he loves me and will love me no matter what. I too have a great man behind me.

BURDEN BEARS (FOR GUYS)

When you know of someone who has lost a child (miscarriage, still birth, etc) please take note that the wife isn't the only one hurting. Husbands may not express it verbally but he is hurting and needs the same respect his wife does. If you know of a couples struggles, please don't comment or may jokes ("shooting blank, huh?" or "knocked up the wife yet?"). Unless you have been through it, please don't pretend to know what a friend is going through.

Happy 4th!

We wanted to talk time and wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July!