Okay I Guess.

The words above have been my standard answer to the question, "Brandi, how are you?". I am not going to lie. The last almost two months have been very rough. Especially the last two days. I am not sure what brought it on--hormones or this little old lady that came to my office yesterday afternoon. She did not look like my Grandma or really sound like her--till she said one thing--"Okay Hun." Thankfully she was not talking to me because I would have broken down into tears. I was able to close my eyes and say "Okay Brandi! Don't lose it!". Every since then, Grandma has been on my mind. I feel like I have been on the verge of tears.

But I have held them in...that is what I do- hold everything back. I have my whole life. I hold tears and anger close to me and rarely let anymore see them. Drives Alan nuts, but hey, that is me! I have always been the "strong" one. I have tried to not let things get me down--or for people to think that I was down. I did not want to be considered weak. I keep everything so pent up that I usually get upset over nothing or I get sick--seriously physically ill. I guess the stress lowers my immune system.

I guess that where I am going with this is that I have been holding my grief and other things so close that it has taken over and I have forgotten who I am.

But I do know one thing...I do not like this person I have become.

I have become someone who does not laugh as much as she used to. I do not talk as much as I used to. I look for the worst in people and expect it. I am not has silly has I used to me. I do not feel like me.

Here is my dilemma: What do I do from here? I am lost and clueless.

Maybe this whole post is because I am missing my Grandma and I am sad. I do not know.

But I know till I figure it out, I am okay.