Okay I Guess.

The words above have been my standard answer to the question, "Brandi, how are you?". I am not going to lie. The last almost two months have been very rough. Especially the last two days. I am not sure what brought it on--hormones or this little old lady that came to my office yesterday afternoon. She did not look like my Grandma or really sound like her--till she said one thing--"Okay Hun." Thankfully she was not talking to me because I would have broken down into tears. I was able to close my eyes and say "Okay Brandi! Don't lose it!". Every since then, Grandma has been on my mind. I feel like I have been on the verge of tears.

But I have held them in...that is what I do- hold everything back. I have my whole life. I hold tears and anger close to me and rarely let anymore see them. Drives Alan nuts, but hey, that is me! I have always been the "strong" one. I have tried to not let things get me down--or for people to think that I was down. I did not want to be considered weak. I keep everything so pent up that I usually get upset over nothing or I get sick--seriously physically ill. I guess the stress lowers my immune system.

I guess that where I am going with this is that I have been holding my grief and other things so close that it has taken over and I have forgotten who I am.

But I do know one thing...I do not like this person I have become.

I have become someone who does not laugh as much as she used to. I do not talk as much as I used to. I look for the worst in people and expect it. I am not has silly has I used to me. I do not feel like me.

Here is my dilemma: What do I do from here? I am lost and clueless.

Maybe this whole post is because I am missing my Grandma and I am sad. I do not know.

But I know till I figure it out, I am okay.

Grandma (March 3, 1922-January 29,2009)

I told Alan that Christmas 2007 was going to be my last Christmas with my Grandma.

But why did I have to be right?

On December 14, 2008, Grandma fell at her apartment. She sustained some nasty head trauma. She bounced back and forth. Between the concussion and raging infection--which brought on chest pain and high blood pressure, we thought we were going to lose her several times. She finally started improving and all of us were hopeful. She was still in the hospital Christmas Day.

In my 31 years, I've only missed two years of being with Grandma at Christmas.

January 23, 2009 Grandma was moved to a rehab nursing home. We all hoped that once she was out and received some one-on-one care, she would be able to move back into her assisted living apartment. Deep down I knew she would hate living in the nursing home. She never ever wanted that for herself. But Grandma made the best of it and put on a brave face. My Aunt Janie said she enjoyed watching the people that lived there and loved to laugh at this one old man. January 26, 2009. Aunt Janie visited Grandma and she was in good spirits. She had gotten her hair done, dressed, put on make-up and had walked! She'd had a good day! January 27 ,2009 the staff found Grandma non-responsive. They rushed her to the hospital (thankfully it was just across the packing lot). My Uncle Mark called us and told us the the grim news. Mom and I drove to Oakland (TN) as fast as we could. It was hear-breaking to see Grandma. It was like her whole body jerked when she would breathe--like it took her whole being to get that breath in and out. The ER doctor came in and updated us on her status. She felt like Grandma had suffered a stroke. We had some options--none of them good. My Uncle Mark, Aunt Janie and Mom all stepped outside. Thankfully, everyone came to the same agreement. To sign a DNR. Since the hospital is small, it did not take them very long to get us into a room. The floor Doctor came in and wanted to be very aggressive. He wanted us to put her on the respirator (which would require us to transfer) and start antibiotics. We vetoed the respirator. Along with the antibiotics he started a morphine pump. I had to come home that night and due to the weather, I was not able to go back on Wednesday. But when the Doctor came in that morning, he whole-heartily agreed with our decision and said her lungs were filling with fluid. He increased the morphine. Thursday morning about 6:00 my cell phone rang--all I could hear was my Mom sobbing. She told me I needed to come quickly. By the grace of God, I got ready and traveled a trip that should have taken an hour and half--I was there by 8. For the next two hours we all took turns standing around her bed. Mom is a nurse and knew the signs to look for...I noticed that Grandma's breathing had started sounding very strange--a sound that I never will forget...Mom and Becky started checking pulses...

January 29, 2009 at 10:16 A.M. Ruby Oleta Busy took her last breath.

It was heart wrenching. But I am so glad that I was there.

When she passed (I still can not stay "died"), I felt like my heart was breaking in two. This is the first loss of someone important to me in my adulthood. My heart literally hurt. For the past year I had called myself preparing for that day--oh, how naive I was. I am not angry with God. Grandma had a long, happy life. I am happy knowing that she is not hurting anymore. I am happy knowing that she will not be a nursing home. I am happy knowing that she has been reunited with my Grandpa, her family, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren that have passed. I am happy knowing that she is with her Savior.

But I am selfish too. I wanted her to be here when we had a baby. I wanted her to be here when we bought our first house. I wanted her to be here to see my Brother get married. I wanted her come our house on Christmas and brag about Alan's steak (he made steaks Christmas 07 and she just went on and on taking about how that was the best steak she had ever eaten!). I would do anything to pick that phone up and hear her say "Hi Hun!".

But you know what? I will see her again.

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. I Thessalonians 4:17

The planning, funeral and burial where stressful, but in true Busby fashion we made it through on laughs. I am sure that over the next couple of weeks I will share the laughs--some may not find them funny but I want to write them down so I do not forget them.

If I had to pick one thing that has happened through Grandma's passing it would be that my family is slowly coming back together. By family I mean my whole extended family. We let some trivial stupid things divide us, we now I feel that we are getting to know each other again. I will write about that later too.

I am doing good. I have my good days and bad days. I still can not look at her picture without tears coming. March 3rd was the hardest day so far. She would have turned 87. We celebrated by going to eat catfish in her honor!

I do want to thank everyone who called, texted, e-mailed and prayed. We could not have made it through it without your compassion. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

MeMe-

Thank you for loving me like no one else could. I always felt like I had it better than everyone else--because I had two Moms. I will never forget what you have taught me. I will never forget all the good times we had--Bo and Luke Duke, vacations, me sleeping on your arm every night... If you had not such an active role in my and Brandon's life, our life would have been very empty. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now (Lyrics from Homesick by MercyMe). I know you will be waiting for me when I am called home.

I love you,
Brandi