Do you ever feel like you wished you had something you could reach out to and hold on to with both hands? That if you had that something you could make it through your trials, heartache or even just your day?
I am in that spot.
The last week or so I just have not felt like myself. After thinking about it, I think I just
kinda really blue. Most of the time I just push this whole baby mess out of my mind. I keep myself busy with work, reading and things around the house. Lately, every thought I have is centered around a baby. Every where I look, someone is knocked up. Or see on Facebook where someone just had a baby. It does not help that I have a coworker who is intent on telling me every detail about her sister-in-law's pregnancy. She knows how hard we are trying for a baby...I do not know if she doing it on purpose or if she just wanting to me see it. The thing that bothers me the most is that she knows how much I love ladybugs and apparently her sister-in-law is doing ladybugs for her baby so everytime she posts pictures to her blog, my co-worker will come and get me to show me the pictures. WHY?
I am afraid if I say something to her, I am going to end up saying something hurtful. I want to tell her that even though I do not discuss it all the time, babies are on my mind constantly. I want to tell her that it is not fair that people like her sister-in-law got pregnant the first month of trying. I want to tell her that I do not give a
care damn what her nursery looks like. I want to tell her that we have an empty bedroom that I am afraid to decorate because I am afraid if we do then it will mean that we will never have a nursery to decorate. I want to tell her that I stand in the doorway, crying, trying to mentally arrange where I want to put a crib. I want to tell her I feel like I have let everyone down in my family. I want to tell her that I feel let down. I want to tell her that I feel like a failure. I just want to tell her to please shut up.
I read all these blogs by women in the same boat as me. They talk about their faith and how they hang on to that. I want to feel that way. I start praying for peace, but then I get so mad and feel so let down. I am at the spot where I am questioning my faith. Questioning what is real and fair. I really do not like feeling this way. I want something that I can wrap myself up in. Something to protect myself from the harsh reality of the world.
I
want need something to hold on to.
