PITY, PARTY OF ONE

I am having a pity party. 

I am having a hard time with this baby stuff.

I just burst into tears Tuesday night when Big Al and I went to bed.  If you know me, you know that is not like me.

I think I shocked Alan.  He said he knew that stuff stayed on my mind all the time, but did not not it was bothering me as much as it was.

I don't think people realize how close to the surface this baby business is for me.

I don't think people know how I bypass the baby section in whatever store I am in.

I don't think people understand that the door to our empty "hopefully a nursery" room has not been open in three months.

I don't think people know how hard it is for me to hold their newborn babies and  to tell them that how pretty it is.

I don't know why people don't stop and think before they ask me for the millionth time when are going to have kids. 

I am never one to show that I am down.  I feel like I let people down when I am down.  I feel like they would be upset if they knew I was down.  I guess you could call me a people pleaser.  I hate feeling like I can't have a pity party because I am afraid someone else is going to be upset because I'm upset.

I hate not being able to have a good cry-fest when I need one.

I hate my heart feeling like it is broken.  I hate feeling like there is a huge weight on my chest.

I hate feeling like it is me alone against this big, bad fertile world.