I Don't Really Know Where to Start...

I can't believe that it has been four months since I've posted anything...Around the first of the year I started looking at myself and realized that I did not like the person I was (am) becoming. I used to be this sweet, kind, caring and optimistic girl. Now, I've turned into this cynical "I don't like people" girl. I've been trying to figure out what in the world has turned me into this person that I hate looking back at me. I have concluded that there are several things in my life that I need to face head on. I know I can only deal with one thing at a time and I'd wrestled with where I need to start. Little did I know that I would not be the one to make that decision.

Thursday before last, I answered the phone at work. It was one of our local factories saying that they needed to send one of their employees over. As soon as she said the name of the factory, I knew who they sending over. I don't really know what do call him--he was never a father to me or my brother so I'll just refer to him by his name--Richard.

Little background here...I haven't seen or spoken to Richard in years--last time I was in a room with him I was 18 asking the Judge to change my name to Busby (which is my Mom's maiden name). Before that day and since then, our only contact was maybe seeing each other at some store and then we didn't even look at each other. My parents divorced when I was 6 or 7. He wasn't a very good husband or father. I don't really know what happened between him or my mother, but I get the vibe that there may have been some abuse. He would pick us up every now and then, make promises and not keep them, etc and finally he just stopped coming around. When I was 12 or 13 Mom took him to court for child support. He claimed that he wanted something to do with us then, but we didn't want to see him. Throughout the years, I've had the fear of putting something in the paper (college graduation, wedding announcement, etc) because I was afraid that he would show up. Now, that I look back I think I did it because I wanted him to know I turned out great and made it without him.

Back to that Thursday. As soon, as I hung up the phone I immediately called Alan. He told to me calm and just tell Dr. Morris the situation and things were going to be fine. I went back to Dr. Morris' office and kinda filled him on the situation. He told me not to worry, that I didn't have to take Richard back or do any testing. Things would be fine. When he walked into the office, this look came over his face. It wasn't shock or dread or fear--I really can't describe it. I just kinda glanced up and then kept doing what I was doing. Dr. Morris kept true to his word and the girls made sure I didn't have to do anything for him. The doctor finished with him and he made his appointment to come back. I purposefully stayed up front to see if he would have the guts to say anything to me. On his way out, he stopped in front of my and I looked up--he said "hi", I said "hi" and then neither of us really knew what else to say. He left. I was shocked that he spoke and I was proud of myself for being nice and not bursting into tears. Now I just had his follow-up appointment to wonder about.

There are two things that are ironic that I have to point out. Two days before he came in, Alan and I were talking about him coming into the office and how I needed to handle it. I told Alan that the chances of him getting hurt on the job and coming to our office was very high--Wal-Mart won't take cases like that and the other eye doctor in town is never there). Second, he's follow-up appointment was on my brother's birthday (April 7th), three days after mine.

I really had my doubts that he would come back in. I thought if he didn't it would be because of me and if he did it would be because of me. Well, Monday he got there 20 minutes before his appointment. Again, the girls made sure I didn't have to take him back or do any of his pre-testing. Dr. Morris also made sure that he was in and out. When they finished with the exam and Richard had picked out his glasses I was busying fitting another patient with his glasses. Richard was almost finished ready to leave and I had to go back into the lab--I stayed in there hoping he would be gone when I came back out. Nope. I went back to my patient and he took his glasses and went to look out the window (for some reason a lot of patients do this--I guess they think the sun will make a difference). Well, Richard came over and asked me if he gave me something if I would take it. I said yeah. He said if I give you something for Brandon will you make sure he gets it. I again said yeah. He handed it to me. It was two birthday cards. I said, I didn't think you remembered. He said I do every year. His wife then jumped in and said that he wants to take us out to eat and get to know us. I then said "Well, all that is up to you. I'm the child and you are the parent. It is in your hands." Then she has been telling him for years that he needed to contact us. I again said "This is all up to you." The woman kept on and on about us calling him for a free dinner. I said AGAIN "This is all up to you." At this point I'm getting teary eyed. He's getting teary eyed. He finally looked me in the eyes and said, "I know sweetie." Those three words ripped my heart in two. His wife then asked if they could have a hug which I consented to.

With all this being said, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I really need some advice here. This subject is sensitive to me and many of you have never heard any of this before. Part of it is because I didn't really know what to say and the other part is that I have no childhood memories. I don't really know what happened. I barely remember him. All I have is assumptions that I got from my Mom--and those assumptions don't paint a very good picture of him. I see this going one of several different directions:

1. Not a thing happening
2. Us going to dinner. He says something negative about my Mom. Me getting pissed and leaving.
3. We try and forge some type of relationship and my Mom getting pissed.

As far as my Mom is concerned. I know they had a bad relationship. But that was their relationship. I understand her wanting to protect me. I just hopes she realizes that she raised a kid with a good head on her shoulders. I'm not going to buy into anything Richard might say and I'm not going to get myself into an unsafe situation. Alan will be with me every step of the way. I feel like I am owed some answers. I also know that I have to make amends with this situation. Whether I forgive at step one or I get my answers and forgive then--I know I have to forgive and make peace with all this.

Whoever reads this, I need some advice. This is what I'm thinking about doing. I don't think I should have to be the one to make the first step. I think I'm going on leave my phone number in a short note with his glasses. That way, when he picks them up it will there. I figure this way, if he wants to talk to me then he will have to make the first step. I'd appreciate any comments or e-mails! brandi_alan_smith@hotmail.com