Aunt Flo is a Bitch.

Well, first things first. I'm not knocked up. I pretty much knew it all along--plus two negative HPT over the weekend, the blood work today and the spotting that started Sat kinda sealed it. I'm pretty pissed the way they told us. They drew my blood and asked if we wanted to wait. Of course I said yes. They asked us to wait outside the door--with all of these other people waiting on blood work--this is also where every patient walks through to check out and make their next apointment. The lab lady calls my name and we walk over. The entire way over I'm shaking my head and she agrees and says it was it negative. Of course I start crying in front of everyone. They could have called me over to a room or something.

Anyhow, all I've done for 4 days is cry. I feel so let down. I wouldn't have made it through this without Alan. He has been very supportive. I sometimes forget that all this hurts and bothers him just as much as it does me. My family has also been very helpful. When we got back today, I went straight into our bathroom and on the sink sat a vase of flowers. I asked Alan what he had done. He said what are you talking about. I read the card--it was from my brother and mom. Again, I burst into teats. Alan called mom to thank her. She had no idea what he was talking about. Brandon had done it on his own. Thanks, Bubba!

Honestly, I am quite upset about this turnout. All the money and time we spent. Yes, I feel like a failure. If it hurts this much not to have one, I can't imagine how it feels to lose one through miscarriage or death. I'm pissed at myself, the doc, God--just about everyone. Deep down I know that God has a reason for it--I might figure it out in time--I might not. Today at work, I flipped open the Bible to the book of Job (looking for something to make me feel better)--I don't understand how Job stayed faithful the way he did. How could he not curse God? I'm not that strong. I haven't blamed him or cursed him, but the thought has been there. But then I think of the good things I have in life (life itself, Alan, my family, my new job, etc) and I know that it is just Satan trying to get in. Through this whole Gonal-F round, I have learned that I need God and I need to get back in Church. Maybe that is what he was (is)trying me to realize?

I know that we will do this again. It hurts now, but I know we will be okay with time. It will take several months to save the money back up, but I know that I won't feel like doing it again for a while so it will even out.