"I Can't! The Princess is Busy Making Eggs!"

We've been enjoying a lazy Saturday! Alan has been watching football and I've read a book (Beach Road by James Patterson--worth the read! big surprise at the end!). I guess I need to explain my title. Tonight after Big Al gave me my shot, I continued to lay on the bed for a little bit watching the rest of my LifeTime movie (not bad, but the last line at the end of the movie was DUMB!). Anyhow, Alan came in our bedroom a few minutes later and I asked him to get me something. He gave me a look like why can't you get up and get it. Without even thinking about it, I told him that I couldn't because the Princess was busy making eggs! I thought he was going to die! I think I'm going going to use this line to my advantage!

Alan's Pin Cushion

Well, tonight was my forth injection. Alan is becoming a Pro! I think he may be enjoying this a little too much. I think I'm handling this round fairly well. I am having more side effects earlier this time. I'm really tired, don't really want much to eat and i feel very bloated! I've had a headache since Tuesday morning. Today I couldn't take it anymore. I called Dr. D's nurse and thankfully they called me something in. I really didn't know how I was going to handle another week of this. In talking to her, I found out that the other nurse scheduled my next appointment wrong. I now go in on Monday for ultrasound and blood work. That day we will find out if I have any eggies, how many and how big they are. My IUI is also set up for Wednesday afternoon. That means we should trigger on Tuesday! NOW I'M NERVOUS!!!! Please continue to pray for us!

Here Goes Round Two!

Well, Aunt Flo showed up over the weekend. Monday I went in for my baseline ultrasound. Great news--NO CYSTS. Dr. D said everything looks great! Last night, Alan gave me my first shot. He did it like a pro. He has been calling me his "pin cushion." I'll do a shot everyday for the next two weeks (give or take a few days). Next Wednesday (the 26th) I got in for another ultrasound and we will check the progress of the eggies. If all looks great, then we will do the IUI on Friday. We are excited and hopeful! Please keep us in your prayers!

Storm

Saw this at the end of e-mail forward and thought it was great!

Stop telling God how big your storm is.

Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is.

The Next Step!

Well, things have been a little nuts around here and I haven't updated in a while. Last Sunday I got this nasty little stomach bug that stayed with me till about Wednesday. I feel better and so far Big Al hasn't gotten yet! Anyhow, on the knocked up front...After my HSG, Dr. D wanted to meet with me. I was in high hopes that this meant he wanted to be more aggressive...NOPE. Waste of my time and money. Basically, he wrote me a RX for the same dosage and sent me on my way. Long story short--after talking to Angela (his nurse), she did say that he did mention that if it doesn't work this time, then he will up the dose. We had hoped he wanted to do this cycle b/c if it doesn't work this month, then the next round of meds are FREE! but they only give you the highest dose free. If he does up the dose, that means we will have to pay the difference. We ordered the meds on Tuesday and they we delivered via Fed-Ex on Thursday. So we have our Gonal-F and trigger shot in the fridge. Alan is excited, but every time I think about those boxes in the fridge, I get sick to my stomach. It's not because of fear of the shots or the migraines--it's the fear that it won't work. As soon as Aunt Flo makes her appearance, we will start the shots on CD3 (cycle day). I should start near the end of the week. I do have a dr's apt the 17th for a quick ultrasound just to check for cysts. Everyone, please pray for me and Alan!!! We are very nervous and cautious. I plan on updating like I did last time we do the shots--with pics and stuff. Have a good weekend!

Whoo-Hoo! I'm all Clear!!

First things first! MY TUBE IS CLEAR! Words cannot express how relieved we are! We had to leave FC by 6 A.M. Got to Jonesboro by 7:30 A.M. We had to check in--the highlight of this part is that the test ended up being about half of what they told me in the beginning! After that, a pink lady escorted us the the Radiology Department. After about a 15 minute wait, I was called back. Once I was changed, they took one x-ray of my pelvis. Like any other doc, Dr. D as running a little late. The whole time that I was waiting, I was praying so hard. Dr. D came in and put me right at ease. He knew who I was and told me what was going to happen. I then had to assume the position. I'll spare some of the details...He did have a hard time getting my cervix to cooperate (he said it was being shy)...finally after a little work, the catheter was in. I scooted back and then they called in the Radiologist. Once he was in position. Dr. D injected the radioactive dye. I had a little cramping, but not as much as I expected. Then I heard them say something about the right side being closed (makes sense, I don't have a right ovary). Then some of the sweetest words I have ever heard--THE LEFT IS OPEN!!!! After changing position a few times, the test was over. Dr. D removed the catheter, helped me up and I said "Well?". He said that everything looked great and was where it needed to be. The fluid flowed quickly and smoothly right through my tube. I told him that I could kiss him--he just laughed! He said to call Angela on Monday and we would go from there. When the nurse that helped out walked me back out, she said that now is the best time to try and get knocked up! This test kinda cleans out the cobwebs. Our plan is now to move on to "Operation Get Knocked Up! Phase 2!" Hopefully, our next cycle, we will be doing injections!! Please continue to pray for us and keep us in your thoughts!

Happy Birthday, Alan!

The 19th was Alan's Birthday. Here are some pictures from the day!

Alan with his cake!


Did he get them all?


What is Hitler doing here?


Luke, I'm your Father!


Calli attacking the light saber!


Alan and me at Red Lobster!


Happy Birthday, Alan!


Wow, what a mug for me to put my beer in!


All things Tech!


GI Joe, the REAL American hero!

8/24/07

Well, Aunt Flo showed up today which means we now have a date for my HSG. This next Friday at 8:00 A.M. We have to be in Jonesboro (at the hospital) by 7:30. I did find out that Dr. D will be the one to do the test. This eases some of my fears. I also know that with him doing the test we will know the results right away. I'm not afraid of the actual test but of the outcome. I don't want to say that I don't think anything is wrong because if there is and I come back and read where I said that, I will probably get really ticked. I'm doing my best not to think about it. Alan's birthday is this weekend and I want him to have a good weekend and not have to worry about me having a meltdown (I've already had one)! On a good note, Dr. D did change my BCP (I only have one more month). I have decided that Yasmin is a tool of the devil! It was giving me HORRIBLE migraines. He also changed my dosage of my Glucophage(a med for PCOS). We really couldn't afford it each month. The Glucophage is on the $4 list at Wal-Mart, so now price won't be an excuse. It's odd. My old dose (750mgs) was not on the list but 500mgs or 1000mgs was! He changed it to 500 twice a day. I did feel better taking it, so I'm ready to get back on it! Anyhow, I will post pictures of Alan's birthday later this week! Have a good weekend!

Update!

I was sitting at work and realized that I haven't really updated on the baby-makin' process. We are currently waiting for Aunt Flo to make her appearance. I have about 5 left on my BCP so that means I should start sometime next week. When I do start, I have to call Angela (Dr. D's nurse) and have her set up my HSG.

Here is some info I found online about the test...

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray procedure that allows us to see an outline of the inside of your fallopian tubes and uterine cavity.

The HSG is performed on women who are undergoing infertility evaluation and treatment, or after a surgery has been performed on your uterus or tubes. If the X-ray findings demonstrate a tubal blockage, infection, or an abnormal uterine cavity, the physician will discuss this with you and recommend appropriate treatment.

Complications from the HSG are very rare but might include pelvic infection, allergic reaction to the dye or bleeding.
How is an HSG done?

The HSG X-ray procedure is performed in the Radiology Department. You will lay down on an X-ray table and your vagina and the area surrounding your vagina will be washed thoroughly. A speculum (the metal instrument used during a pap smear) is placed inside your vagina so that your cervix can be easily seen and washed. Instruments will be placed on and in your cervix, so that X-ray dye can be injected into your uterus and tubes. While the X-ray dye is injected, the physician will be able to watch the dye flow through your uterus and fallopian tubes on a T.V. screen. X-ray pictures of this procedure are taken and can be shown to you later. Once these pictures have been obtained, all of the instruments are removed. Shortly after the procedure, you may go back to work or home.

What does an HSG tell us?

The X-ray pictures of the uterus will show us the size and shape of your uterine cavity. The uterine cavity is shaped like a triangle and is where the fertilized egg implants itself. If your uterus has fibroid tumors, polyps, scar tissue, or an abnormal shape to the cavity, it will be seen on the X-ray pictures. The HSG shows the fallopian tubes as they fill up with dye, and we are able to watch the dye spill out of the tubes. This tells us that your tubes are open. Open fallopian tubes are necessary for transportation of the egg and sperm. This is where fertilization takes place. It is necessary to have at least one open fallopian tube if your infertility treatment is GIFT or TET.

Everytime I think about it, I feel like I'm going to barf. I'm getting anxious about. I know I need to just stop and put it in God's hands. Everyone please pray for my anxiety and stress. Also, please pray for good results. We have so much riding on this test!

Random Pics!

These are just some random pics that I've taken over the last couple of months...The first one is of my brother Brandon. I think it just have been taken around my Mom's birthday.




Calli loves ribbon. If we put bows/ribbons on any present, it ends up in the middle of the floor. She will dig under the Christmas tree till she finds one with ribbon in it. Well, this time she find the spool of ribbon and dragged/spread it all over our apartment.


Here is Mom's dog Sadie performing her new trick! She really likes cool whip and now can catch it squirting from the bottle!


Last pic! Calli again. For some reason she has really gotten where she likes to lay on our T.V. trays. This is one time when Alan was trying to get her off. As you can tell, she wasn't going anywhere!

Alan's Early Birthday Present!

All Alan has been talking about this summer is getting a new grill. Well, his birthday is in August (the 19th to be exact) and I decided to give him his gift early. He is so excited. He had it put together before I got up this morning and now he is smoking ribs. They smell GREAT and I'm sure they will taste good too! Oh yeah, ignore the signs hanging in the background. The neighbors that live behind us are old and crazy. We have never "trespassed" and don't intend to!

Concentrate on this Sentence.

I got this on a e-mail forward and really liked it.

Concentrate on this sentence.....

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.


I can not tell you how many times I have felt something fall from my grasp. Of course each time I have been devastated, but I now know that I'm not be punished for something that I did. I wasn't ready to receive that "good" thing yet. I know that in having to wait, I will enjoy and value the thing that I'm going to receive.


Concentrate on this sentence.....

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.


When I do go through those devastating times, I used (and still do at times)to feel alone. I would feel like I was the only one in the world who felt has bad as I did. I know that I am a child of God's and he will never give me anything that I can not handle and that he will be there with with through every twist and turn.

WE'VE GOT SWIMMIES!

We are so excited!!! We've been keeping a little secret. We didn't want anyone to know till the test came back normal. Here's the story... We piggy-backed a couple vacation days onto the weekend to make for a super vacation. Friday we went to Jonesboro and Alan had a semen analysis done. I will spare the details of it (nothing too bad--just a few details that keep us laughing). After a weekend of nerves, we got the results back today. All the test results came back normal. Everything is right where it needs to be. The actual count was 53 million. That is excellent. When I called Alan and told him, not only did I hear relief in his voice, but I could picture him puffing his chest up and out thinking, "I've got some strong sperm!". We both are giddy and relieved. Now it is my turn. My test is up in August!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 4. Because He Loved Her!

Infertility does not just concern women--it affects men and women--But in different ways. Wives often have a hard time trying to understanding the difficulties their husbands face.

One of a husband's goals is to try and prevent their wife from suffering from any pain--whether physical or emotional. It is a man's nature to want to "fix" the problem. When they see that they can't, they then feel like they have to be the "strong one." As wives, we have to be careful and not take for granted our husband's strength when we see how they handle their pain. We may think that this struggle doesn't bother them or that they don't care as much as we do. Many times, men will deal with their grief, sadness and pain by doing all they know how to do--being strong! Husbands, please realize that your strength is very comforting to your wives. But when they see that you are vulnerable, it gives give that chance to be the strong one and they see that these things bother you just has deeply has they do her! It will make your marriage stronger sharing those vulnerable time together!

One of the side effects of infertility (unfortunately it isn't one very many people will talk about) is unfaithfulness. With the struggle of infertility, marriage can feel sad or lonely and it can become very easy to try and fill those voids outside the boundary of your marriage. Remember, God sees faithfulness as a heart issue, not just a physical act. It is important to note that no one is immune to temptation. If you are finding yourself being being unfaithful or on the verge, please take time to ask for forgiveness and strength to move on. Trust is a huge issue in marriage. It is so important to talk with you spouse--make time to talk about this issue and your battle against infertility. Most importantly PRAY for each other!

In this chapter, i discovered that behind an amazing woman--there was an amazing man! Elkanah loved Hannah very much. Many men in that time would have divorced Hannah in an heartbeat. True he took an additional wife, but by remaining married to Hannah, he affirmed his love for her. He also offered Hannah a double portion of the sacrificial feast. This was normally given to the oldest heir. No woman was part of this legacy. The firstborn was given double everything. For a woman to be given her own portion AND a portion for a child she did not have, showed that Elkanah was a great man. When Alan and I met and became serious, I was very straight forwarded with my "girl problems." He knew that I only had one ovary and that us having a child could possibly be a hard feat. Once we decided to start the process of having a baby, I struggled (I shouldn't used past tense here, I still struggle) with feelings that if Alan would have married a "normal" girl, he would have a child by now. That I was not only letting him down, but our parents and families. These feelings often eat me up, but when Alan comes in and puts those arms around me (yes, he has an uncanny way of knowing when I'm hurting--and yes, one of his hugs make it so much better), I know that he loves me and will love me no matter what. I too have a great man behind me.

BURDEN BEARS (FOR GUYS)

When you know of someone who has lost a child (miscarriage, still birth, etc) please take note that the wife isn't the only one hurting. Husbands may not express it verbally but he is hurting and needs the same respect his wife does. If you know of a couples struggles, please don't comment or may jokes ("shooting blank, huh?" or "knocked up the wife yet?"). Unless you have been through it, please don't pretend to know what a friend is going through.

Happy 4th!

We wanted to talk time and wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July!

SICK AGAIN!

Well, yesterday I had to go back to the doctor--been here every month for the last 4. Another sinus infection...this time strep to go with it. I feel like poop and have missed the last two days of work. I really hated to miss because one of the girls in on vacation, so that left two of them stretched tight. But I would not have been of any help, I'm so behind on this blog--pics, Hannah's Hope, etc...I promise that once I'm back up and running I'll get it all caught up!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 3. Is God Punishing Me?

God promised that none of His people would miscarry or be barren (Exodus 23:26). All the Israelites had to do was worship God and do all He had commanded and God's protection and blessing would be poured upon them. What was Hannah to think when she didn't conceive? Was she being punished for her sins? Was the talk around the village that Hannah was childless because she was a sinner?

From what I have read Hannah was not barren due to her sins. I believe that Hannah's "puzzle" was very close to Job's. Both were put through trials--neither sinned nor cursed God. I have felt (and still feel at times) that I'm being punished for my sins. In talking with other girls in my same situation, I know that I am not alone. I also know that I'm wrong to feel that way. The Bible says that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. There is no big too big or too small. If you have admitted your past to God and repented--He has already washed you clean. The question is --WILL YOU ACCEPT? I have realized something--I haven't FULLY accepted...

BUT I HAVE NOW!

Now that I have accepted God's grace, I'm asking you to take the same invitation. God was you (and all of us) to have a personal relationship where he will listen to the cries of your heart. Before you can have that relationship, you must first ask for forgiveness--and it must be accepted before it will be any good. Jennifer Saake paraphrases John 3:16 in a way I have never thought of--"For God so longed to call me His child, that he offered me the life of his only biological Son to pay the price of my adoption (Page 47). Jesus has already paid my debt for my sins by dying on the cross. When we continue to carry our guilt and believe that we are punished due to our sins, we are buying into Satan's lies. Jesus came to set us free from those lies. If you are feeling haunted by your past, take time to deal to deal with those issues. If you having doubt if there is even a God, ask Him to make himself known to you. Confess your sins and your grief will ease. Finally, thank him for sending his Son to die for you. If you have truly accepted God has your Father and you his Child--He does not desire to cause you suffer or cause you pain. God hurts just has you hurting.

Okay, you say that God isn't punishing me because of sins--then way am I having trouble having a child? I believe that God uses any struggle (difficulty getting pregnant, loss of job, financial trouble, spousal problems, etc), as a time of testing. This testing reveals any heart issues that you still need to address before Him. God uses trials to get our attention and draw us closer to Him (Page 49). If you ask Him to reveal those things to you, he will show you. Conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit. God will show you the things that you are ready to deal with. The Bible tells us that we are called to be disciples of Christ. A disciple's goal is train, mold and perfect. We are in training (like a Marine!) and it takes discipline. I believe that God is using this time in my life as a time of discipline. The key is, I have to let him.

Discipline is hard and can be painful. But it is part of the Christian walk. This walk can be and will be hard. It will allow you to grow and change in ways you never thought was possible. This fertility issue can cause us to grow in great may areas--as an individual, as a couple and as a Christian. The key is you must seek God through your pain. When you are at your lowest (after a BFN, when you find out your best friend is pregnant--girls you know what I'm talking about ! :) )--crawl up in God's lap and let Him one that you lean on!

BURDEN BEARERS

Friends, please don't tell me that I'm being punished. I am already rehashing my life to find out what did to find out why I'm in bad favor with God. Infertility already causes a false sense of blame and guilt. If you feel like that I am being punished, then please pray for me. Like all of us, I could use them!

Mom's Birthday!

I'm a little late in posting this but...Mom's birthday was May 6th. We surprised her and took her to Johnny Carino's in Little Rock (it is so good!!!). Then we came back to our apartment for gifts and cake!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 2 Envy, Jealousy and Rivalry

The more I read of Hannah's Hope, the more alike Hannah and I are. When Peninnah joined their family, Hannah struggled with feelings of jealousy and considered her a rival. Each time I hear of friend or family member becoming pregnant, I feel the same way. I know that these feelings of jealousy and that I'm competing with friends and family members are not godly--I however can not help but feel that way.

Nearly every month I learn about someone else I know who has become pregnant. These feelings of jealousy eat me up--I what to be so excited for these people, but deep down I just want to scream! Each time I hear of the "good news", I pray to God for me to be next! Everywhere I go I see very pregnant women or tiny babies. I dread going to the store--I've gotten where I try my hardest to bypass the baby section. If I do have to pass it, I bite my lip in hopes of not crying! When I hear of a 16 year old who is pregnant for the second time complain about much weight she has gained, I begin to wonder how a just God can send a baby to ungrateful people rather than into our open and willing arms? How come other couples are more qualified to be parents? True, we don't have a lot of money, but we pay our bills, have a home and we know the responsibilities that entail being parents--doesn't God owe us something?

NO!!! I am not owed a baby or an explanation. Hannah had no idea that God was going to bless her with a son that would one day lead God's people. To accuse God of making a mistake would be like trying to see the whole puzzle with just the outline done! Like Hannah, I only see one tiny piece of the God's puzzle. God sees the whole puzzle from start to finish!

What about when God's puzzle doesn't make sense? When God gives a child to someone I see as undeserving, maybe God's puzzle has as much to do with the mom as the child? God times the timing of each life to fulfill the plan he has set! If God had given Hannah a child when she first wanted him, would she have ever dedicated Samuel? I have come realize something--In order to prepare Hannah's heart and the circumstances that would lead Samuel to anoint kings--HEARTACHE HAD TO COME FIRST (Hannah's Hope, page 38)!

BURDEN BEARERS

Friends, please realize that investing in a friendship with me may be costly. I do not mean to be hard to live with or moody. Because I am hurting, I may intentionally hurt you in self-defense. Also, if you are about to start conceiving ask me how I want to receive the news (phone call, letter, through friends). If you are expecting and can't figure out how to tell me, please find some way to tell me before it becomes public knowledge. That way I will be able to cope privately and not embarrass myself.

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 1 Family Ties

I have been reading a wonderful book called Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. I have fallen behind on my reading and really miss it. I thought that one way to get the full understanding of each chapter would be to write about it each week. Please don't expect it to make perfect sense or to be a work of art--I'm just going to write what I got out of it and how I feel. Please feel free to read each entry and leave comments. THANKS!


On a weekly basis I am asked when Alan and I are going to start a family--like the author says--we started a family the day we were married. Why do people think that it takes more than two to be a family? A family is the most basic group in which people have always lived (Hannha's Hope pg 25)--it is how we define our selves. ALAN AND I ARE A FAMILY! I want to tell these people of the pills I have taken, the shots that Alan has injected into my belly--of the countless tests I have taken--but I know that they are making small talk. I say in a steady voice--"Hopefully soon."

Hannah went into her marriage with the same hopes and desire that I did. She wanted to have a child with the man that she loved. She wanted her son to be the one to carry on her husband's name. Month after month, all she could do was lean on God and seek his heart. I know that every couple that seeks his heart is not promised a child--but God is a big God. He can heal every broken and bitter heart (Hannah's Hope pg. 20)

At the end of every chapter there is a little section called "Burden Bearers". It is a little something for friends of couples like Alan and myself.

BURDEN BEARERS

Please don't let the first few words between us be "Got any kids?". These questions strike very close to my heart--something along the lines of "so, tell me a little bit about you." breaks the ice much easier. Anyone whose life is less than perfect (jobless, single, childless, etc) will appreicate you for it!