Alan's Early Birthday Present!

All Alan has been talking about this summer is getting a new grill. Well, his birthday is in August (the 19th to be exact) and I decided to give him his gift early. He is so excited. He had it put together before I got up this morning and now he is smoking ribs. They smell GREAT and I'm sure they will taste good too! Oh yeah, ignore the signs hanging in the background. The neighbors that live behind us are old and crazy. We have never "trespassed" and don't intend to!

Concentrate on this Sentence.

I got this on a e-mail forward and really liked it.

Concentrate on this sentence.....

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.


I can not tell you how many times I have felt something fall from my grasp. Of course each time I have been devastated, but I now know that I'm not be punished for something that I did. I wasn't ready to receive that "good" thing yet. I know that in having to wait, I will enjoy and value the thing that I'm going to receive.


Concentrate on this sentence.....

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.


When I do go through those devastating times, I used (and still do at times)to feel alone. I would feel like I was the only one in the world who felt has bad as I did. I know that I am a child of God's and he will never give me anything that I can not handle and that he will be there with with through every twist and turn.

WE'VE GOT SWIMMIES!

We are so excited!!! We've been keeping a little secret. We didn't want anyone to know till the test came back normal. Here's the story... We piggy-backed a couple vacation days onto the weekend to make for a super vacation. Friday we went to Jonesboro and Alan had a semen analysis done. I will spare the details of it (nothing too bad--just a few details that keep us laughing). After a weekend of nerves, we got the results back today. All the test results came back normal. Everything is right where it needs to be. The actual count was 53 million. That is excellent. When I called Alan and told him, not only did I hear relief in his voice, but I could picture him puffing his chest up and out thinking, "I've got some strong sperm!". We both are giddy and relieved. Now it is my turn. My test is up in August!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 4. Because He Loved Her!

Infertility does not just concern women--it affects men and women--But in different ways. Wives often have a hard time trying to understanding the difficulties their husbands face.

One of a husband's goals is to try and prevent their wife from suffering from any pain--whether physical or emotional. It is a man's nature to want to "fix" the problem. When they see that they can't, they then feel like they have to be the "strong one." As wives, we have to be careful and not take for granted our husband's strength when we see how they handle their pain. We may think that this struggle doesn't bother them or that they don't care as much as we do. Many times, men will deal with their grief, sadness and pain by doing all they know how to do--being strong! Husbands, please realize that your strength is very comforting to your wives. But when they see that you are vulnerable, it gives give that chance to be the strong one and they see that these things bother you just has deeply has they do her! It will make your marriage stronger sharing those vulnerable time together!

One of the side effects of infertility (unfortunately it isn't one very many people will talk about) is unfaithfulness. With the struggle of infertility, marriage can feel sad or lonely and it can become very easy to try and fill those voids outside the boundary of your marriage. Remember, God sees faithfulness as a heart issue, not just a physical act. It is important to note that no one is immune to temptation. If you are finding yourself being being unfaithful or on the verge, please take time to ask for forgiveness and strength to move on. Trust is a huge issue in marriage. It is so important to talk with you spouse--make time to talk about this issue and your battle against infertility. Most importantly PRAY for each other!

In this chapter, i discovered that behind an amazing woman--there was an amazing man! Elkanah loved Hannah very much. Many men in that time would have divorced Hannah in an heartbeat. True he took an additional wife, but by remaining married to Hannah, he affirmed his love for her. He also offered Hannah a double portion of the sacrificial feast. This was normally given to the oldest heir. No woman was part of this legacy. The firstborn was given double everything. For a woman to be given her own portion AND a portion for a child she did not have, showed that Elkanah was a great man. When Alan and I met and became serious, I was very straight forwarded with my "girl problems." He knew that I only had one ovary and that us having a child could possibly be a hard feat. Once we decided to start the process of having a baby, I struggled (I shouldn't used past tense here, I still struggle) with feelings that if Alan would have married a "normal" girl, he would have a child by now. That I was not only letting him down, but our parents and families. These feelings often eat me up, but when Alan comes in and puts those arms around me (yes, he has an uncanny way of knowing when I'm hurting--and yes, one of his hugs make it so much better), I know that he loves me and will love me no matter what. I too have a great man behind me.

BURDEN BEARS (FOR GUYS)

When you know of someone who has lost a child (miscarriage, still birth, etc) please take note that the wife isn't the only one hurting. Husbands may not express it verbally but he is hurting and needs the same respect his wife does. If you know of a couples struggles, please don't comment or may jokes ("shooting blank, huh?" or "knocked up the wife yet?"). Unless you have been through it, please don't pretend to know what a friend is going through.

Happy 4th!

We wanted to talk time and wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July!

SICK AGAIN!

Well, yesterday I had to go back to the doctor--been here every month for the last 4. Another sinus infection...this time strep to go with it. I feel like poop and have missed the last two days of work. I really hated to miss because one of the girls in on vacation, so that left two of them stretched tight. But I would not have been of any help, I'm so behind on this blog--pics, Hannah's Hope, etc...I promise that once I'm back up and running I'll get it all caught up!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 3. Is God Punishing Me?

God promised that none of His people would miscarry or be barren (Exodus 23:26). All the Israelites had to do was worship God and do all He had commanded and God's protection and blessing would be poured upon them. What was Hannah to think when she didn't conceive? Was she being punished for her sins? Was the talk around the village that Hannah was childless because she was a sinner?

From what I have read Hannah was not barren due to her sins. I believe that Hannah's "puzzle" was very close to Job's. Both were put through trials--neither sinned nor cursed God. I have felt (and still feel at times) that I'm being punished for my sins. In talking with other girls in my same situation, I know that I am not alone. I also know that I'm wrong to feel that way. The Bible says that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. There is no big too big or too small. If you have admitted your past to God and repented--He has already washed you clean. The question is --WILL YOU ACCEPT? I have realized something--I haven't FULLY accepted...

BUT I HAVE NOW!

Now that I have accepted God's grace, I'm asking you to take the same invitation. God was you (and all of us) to have a personal relationship where he will listen to the cries of your heart. Before you can have that relationship, you must first ask for forgiveness--and it must be accepted before it will be any good. Jennifer Saake paraphrases John 3:16 in a way I have never thought of--"For God so longed to call me His child, that he offered me the life of his only biological Son to pay the price of my adoption (Page 47). Jesus has already paid my debt for my sins by dying on the cross. When we continue to carry our guilt and believe that we are punished due to our sins, we are buying into Satan's lies. Jesus came to set us free from those lies. If you are feeling haunted by your past, take time to deal to deal with those issues. If you having doubt if there is even a God, ask Him to make himself known to you. Confess your sins and your grief will ease. Finally, thank him for sending his Son to die for you. If you have truly accepted God has your Father and you his Child--He does not desire to cause you suffer or cause you pain. God hurts just has you hurting.

Okay, you say that God isn't punishing me because of sins--then way am I having trouble having a child? I believe that God uses any struggle (difficulty getting pregnant, loss of job, financial trouble, spousal problems, etc), as a time of testing. This testing reveals any heart issues that you still need to address before Him. God uses trials to get our attention and draw us closer to Him (Page 49). If you ask Him to reveal those things to you, he will show you. Conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit. God will show you the things that you are ready to deal with. The Bible tells us that we are called to be disciples of Christ. A disciple's goal is train, mold and perfect. We are in training (like a Marine!) and it takes discipline. I believe that God is using this time in my life as a time of discipline. The key is, I have to let him.

Discipline is hard and can be painful. But it is part of the Christian walk. This walk can be and will be hard. It will allow you to grow and change in ways you never thought was possible. This fertility issue can cause us to grow in great may areas--as an individual, as a couple and as a Christian. The key is you must seek God through your pain. When you are at your lowest (after a BFN, when you find out your best friend is pregnant--girls you know what I'm talking about ! :) )--crawl up in God's lap and let Him one that you lean on!

BURDEN BEARERS

Friends, please don't tell me that I'm being punished. I am already rehashing my life to find out what did to find out why I'm in bad favor with God. Infertility already causes a false sense of blame and guilt. If you feel like that I am being punished, then please pray for me. Like all of us, I could use them!

Mom's Birthday!

I'm a little late in posting this but...Mom's birthday was May 6th. We surprised her and took her to Johnny Carino's in Little Rock (it is so good!!!). Then we came back to our apartment for gifts and cake!

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 2 Envy, Jealousy and Rivalry

The more I read of Hannah's Hope, the more alike Hannah and I are. When Peninnah joined their family, Hannah struggled with feelings of jealousy and considered her a rival. Each time I hear of friend or family member becoming pregnant, I feel the same way. I know that these feelings of jealousy and that I'm competing with friends and family members are not godly--I however can not help but feel that way.

Nearly every month I learn about someone else I know who has become pregnant. These feelings of jealousy eat me up--I what to be so excited for these people, but deep down I just want to scream! Each time I hear of the "good news", I pray to God for me to be next! Everywhere I go I see very pregnant women or tiny babies. I dread going to the store--I've gotten where I try my hardest to bypass the baby section. If I do have to pass it, I bite my lip in hopes of not crying! When I hear of a 16 year old who is pregnant for the second time complain about much weight she has gained, I begin to wonder how a just God can send a baby to ungrateful people rather than into our open and willing arms? How come other couples are more qualified to be parents? True, we don't have a lot of money, but we pay our bills, have a home and we know the responsibilities that entail being parents--doesn't God owe us something?

NO!!! I am not owed a baby or an explanation. Hannah had no idea that God was going to bless her with a son that would one day lead God's people. To accuse God of making a mistake would be like trying to see the whole puzzle with just the outline done! Like Hannah, I only see one tiny piece of the God's puzzle. God sees the whole puzzle from start to finish!

What about when God's puzzle doesn't make sense? When God gives a child to someone I see as undeserving, maybe God's puzzle has as much to do with the mom as the child? God times the timing of each life to fulfill the plan he has set! If God had given Hannah a child when she first wanted him, would she have ever dedicated Samuel? I have come realize something--In order to prepare Hannah's heart and the circumstances that would lead Samuel to anoint kings--HEARTACHE HAD TO COME FIRST (Hannah's Hope, page 38)!

BURDEN BEARERS

Friends, please realize that investing in a friendship with me may be costly. I do not mean to be hard to live with or moody. Because I am hurting, I may intentionally hurt you in self-defense. Also, if you are about to start conceiving ask me how I want to receive the news (phone call, letter, through friends). If you are expecting and can't figure out how to tell me, please find some way to tell me before it becomes public knowledge. That way I will be able to cope privately and not embarrass myself.

Hannah's Hope. Chapter 1 Family Ties

I have been reading a wonderful book called Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. I have fallen behind on my reading and really miss it. I thought that one way to get the full understanding of each chapter would be to write about it each week. Please don't expect it to make perfect sense or to be a work of art--I'm just going to write what I got out of it and how I feel. Please feel free to read each entry and leave comments. THANKS!


On a weekly basis I am asked when Alan and I are going to start a family--like the author says--we started a family the day we were married. Why do people think that it takes more than two to be a family? A family is the most basic group in which people have always lived (Hannha's Hope pg 25)--it is how we define our selves. ALAN AND I ARE A FAMILY! I want to tell these people of the pills I have taken, the shots that Alan has injected into my belly--of the countless tests I have taken--but I know that they are making small talk. I say in a steady voice--"Hopefully soon."

Hannah went into her marriage with the same hopes and desire that I did. She wanted to have a child with the man that she loved. She wanted her son to be the one to carry on her husband's name. Month after month, all she could do was lean on God and seek his heart. I know that every couple that seeks his heart is not promised a child--but God is a big God. He can heal every broken and bitter heart (Hannah's Hope pg. 20)

At the end of every chapter there is a little section called "Burden Bearers". It is a little something for friends of couples like Alan and myself.

BURDEN BEARERS

Please don't let the first few words between us be "Got any kids?". These questions strike very close to my heart--something along the lines of "so, tell me a little bit about you." breaks the ice much easier. Anyone whose life is less than perfect (jobless, single, childless, etc) will appreicate you for it!

Holy Cow! 24 Pounds!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I weighed this morning at the gym and to my surprise I have lost 23 pounds. I didn't my happy dance and everyone just laughed at me! I'm up to 2 miles and have increased how much I'm doing on all the weight machines. I'm also up to 100 sit-ups...that's right 100! WHOO-HOO TO ME!!!

Down a Scrub Pant Size!

When I weighed in last Monday, I hadn't lost a pound. I was pretty upset...but then I really began to notice how loose my clothes were! Not only my work clothes--my street clothes are drooping!!! This weekend I had to buy a scrub bottom from Wal-mart...they didn't have the size that I thought I needed but Alan convinced me to try on the size smaller--to my amazement THEY FIT!!! I was so excited. I was doing my happy dance all over the fitting area at Wal-Mart!!!

On the work-out front-- we are up to walking 2 miles, I'm doing 80 sit-ups and I believe that Alan is doing 120. We just signed up for out 2nd month at the fitness center. I'm so proud that we are finally sticking to working out and eating better!

Exercise!

I just realized that I hadn't posted anything new about our diet and exercise. For those of you that know me well, you are thinking that I've quiet and am the fast track back to carbtown. You are WRONG!! :) We are still exercising daily (up to walking a mile and half, weights, and I'm doing 70 sit-ups--Alan over 100--show off!) and are low-carbing. It's been about two weeks since I've weighed (with my b-day, Bub's b-day and Easter--no way was I going to weigh!). I plan on weighing in on Monday and when I do, I will be sure and post something. I believe that I have lost--pounds and inches. I'm finally getting some curves at my sides!! WHOO-HOO!

Zoo!

Two men in a boat!

Brandon in Indian artwork!

Polar bear goin' in for a plunge!

My silly Alan!
I love my bamboo!

Brandon and Mom.

Brandi and Alan

GRRR!! I'm a Chinese Alligator!

Lions, Tigers and Cheetahs?

Dinner time!

Here are a few pictures from the Zoo. We had a great time--even if we did freeze our butts off! But with the weather being cold, most of the animals were up and about!

Brandon's Birthday!

Brandon's Birthday was April 7. We all went to Memphis and went to the zoo (pics will posted next post) and then out to eat. I think we all had a great time!

My Birthday!

I had a really great birthday! My Mom made my favorite meal--Cream Tacos and a wilted salad. It was so good and I really enjoyed it! Mom and Brandon decorated the house--it turned out great! Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, cards, thoughts and presents. It really means a lot to me!

HodgePodge of Pictures!

Sadie and the battle for the plate!

Alan "wearing" my crown!

My "big" gift from Alan. I had been wanting a right hand diamond ring for a few years now! Didn't Alan do good?

Gifts from Mom and Brandon!

Bubba!

Me and Big Al!

Alan's Wrestling Face!

Doesn't he look cute? Enough said!

Suzanne Sugarbaker

Here is me in my Crown!! Ever since I was a teen (or maybe before), my family always called me Suzanne Sugarbaker. I thought (and think) that every girl deserves a crown. My Mom makes sure that every birthday I have one!

My Cake!

I really got spoiled this Birthday!! Alan made me a wonderful German Chocolate Cake. It was so good! It was the first chocolate that I'd had in almost a month. Well worth the wait!

Early Birthday Present!

This Wednesday I will celebrate the big 3-0. My Mom gave me my Birthday present early! We got new furniture with our tax return. Once it got moved in we realized how bad we needed a new entertainment center! It looks really good and we are enjoying it! Here are some pics! THANKS MOM! Once we get some stuff for the walls and some of pictures enlarged, I think our living room will be just what we wanted!!

13 Pounds!

We are now a week and half into our work out and just about three weeks into our "life style change" (AKA as DIET) and I've lost 13 pounds!!!!! I'm so excited. I haven't weighted again since last Sat...I asked Alan to hide the scale so that I wouldn't step on them everyday. I hope to weight in tomorrow. We are walking a mile and doing some of the weights. I'm huffing and puffing less and less--as soon as I stop we are going to step it up to a mile and half! As I lose more and more I will start posting pics.

We have a big week coming up. I hit the big 3-0 on Wed and my Brother has his birthday on Sat. We are going to the zoo on Sat with my Mom and Brother to celebrate. I will post pics of all the excitement!

Walkin'

We joined the Multi-purpose center today. The center is so much nicer than I had expected. B-ball courts, walking track (that's padded), weight machines, pool tables, rooms for conferences, etc. Eight times around the track makes a mile-WE MADE IT EIGHT TIMES. I would have liked to have gone some more, but I was afraid of over doing it...I had to have knee surgery several years ago and if I do too much it can flare up. Anyhow, I'm also down another two pounds, so that makes 8!

Down

The last few days I have felt really down. I don't know if it is because of my impending birthday (yes, I will be hitting the big 3-0) or the fact I'm not a mom yet...all I know is that I'm down and I hate feeling this way.

On other fronts, Alan and I started a diet last Monday. I am down 6 pounds. I'm really excited and for some reason, I'm really motivated. We are going to join our town's multi-purpose center tomorrow. They have a walking track, weight machines and b-ball courts. We can use it has much as we want for about 25 bucks a month. Not bad! I'm hoping that once we start walking, the weight will really start coming off!

I have started reading a great book called Hannah's Hope. I'm hoping that it will be give me some idea of how to handle all that I'm going through. I think I might write a little summary of each chapter--what to you think?

Strep Throat and Double Ear Infection

For the last 3 or 4 weeks, Big Al has been battling a cold. I was so doing so good--hadn't caught it. Wednesday morning I woke up with a horrible sore throat. Thought Okay, it is from drainage. Well, two days later and several slushies later, my throat was worse. This morning when Alan checked it and my tonsils was really swollen but no white patches. I had lunch with my Mom and since she is a nurse I had her check it out...the dreaded white patches. Luckily, my doc here in town was able to get me in. The verdict is strep throat and ear infections. I think he was more concerned with my ears than my throat. I feel really bad--Big Al is taking good care of me! Hopefully, I'll get a day or so of the antibiotic in my system and I'll be good as new! He also gave me some of the good cough syrup--I hope I can get a good sleep tonight!

Putting an End to Self-Pity

As many of you know, I work in an eye doctor's office. One of my many job duties is helping patients pick out and fit them for glasses. Well, one day we had a girl come in and right away I noticed that she was extremely skinny and obviously was wearing a wig. I immediately thought that this girl has cancer. After reviewing her paperwork, I saw that I was right. She has been battling cervical cancer for 6 years. This girl is just 23. I've been stuck in a rut and feeling sorry for myself--seeing this girl and knowing that everyday she battles for her life made me realize that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and be grateful for what I have (a wonderful hubby, mom and bubba who love me, life itself, a home, a good job, etc). I know someday that I will be a Mom. I just have to put my faith in God--that in his time it will happen.

Pics of Big Al and the Kitties!

Alan is gonna kill me when he sees these pics!

Whoo Hoo! We Got Our Furniture!

The delivery guys made their appearance today!! We are so happy that we decided to slurge and buy new stuff! It was well worth the money! Has promised, here are a few pics of the new stuff. Take note: not everything is set up the way we exactly want it...we need a new coffee table, pics to hang up and a new entertainment center...we figure it will take a few months to get everything the way we want it!

Happy Valentine's Day!

We just wanted to wish everyone a happy day! I've been joking with Alan that our day isn't going to be very romantic--we are in the process of cleaning our living room--we kicked our salute to American couch to the curb, moved everything else out--after we eat at Mom's we are going to come back and shampoo the carpets! Talk about romance!! Here is a pic of the flowers Alan sent me!

We Got New Furniture!

I'm so excited! We went to Dixie Furniture on Saturday and got us a new couch and chair. They are so pretty. The only bad thing is that they can't deliver it until Thursday (which works out good so we can shampoo our carpet!). We did buy new cranberry colored curtains and lamp shades--they are so pretty! Has soon as we get the new stuff, I'll take some pics and post them!!

Bladder Infection and New Furniture!

Last Friday I knew I had the beginnings of a bladder infection. In true Brandi form--I thought I would be able to cure myself with H2O and cranberry juice. I found out that wouldn't work. Today I've been in a lot of pain and having to go the bathroom a lot (only to go just a little). I called Dr. D's nurse and she called me something in. I started it with dinner so hopefully soon I'll feel better!

We are so excited!! This weekend we are going furniture shopping! We got our Fed Tax back and we have determined that we are going to use it on a new couch and chair (our apt isn't quite big enough for couch and love seat). We have needed new stuff for a while and know it is just a matter of time before this junk we have wears out! I'm looking forward to decorating our living room! I'll post pics as we go along!

Bears or Colts?

Well, today is Super Bowl Sunday. We are getting ready to head over to my Mom's for dinner and to watch the game. We are doing sandwiches, dip and these wonderful sweet bacon chicken wraps (foodnetwork is wonderful!). We are hoping the Bears beat the pants off the Colts!

Been Too Long!

When I started this blog, I intended it to be updated more than it has been! I had hoped to use it has a sorta a diary...I finally figured out why I hadn't updated it--I can't write about how I feel if I don't know. I've never been one to talk about how I feel or what is bothering (it drives Alan crazy!). Anyhow, once I figure this crap out, then I'll be able to write about it. I need to do one rant post and get it out of system--scream, cuss, blame people. Anyhow, I'm going to do some thinking and hopefully this weekend I'll be able to write that post!

Quote I found

I was cruising about the Soul Cysters web site. One of the girl's had this qoute at the bottom of her message...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it

Once I read it, I realized I had found the answer to the question I'd been asking myself for a month...

How am I going to get through this?

I must think...more later.

Happy New Year!

We wish everyone a safe and happy 2007! With that being said, I'm so glad that 2006 is OVER! It had it's good points (me getting a new job!) and it's made times (the first round of shots not working, car problems, the list could go on). I know I could come up with more for both, but I know the bad stuff would overwhelm the good and then I'd get depressed. I'm trying to be optimistic about this year, but...you know that is hard to do. I'm going to do my best to make it a good year. There are things that I'm GOING to do...get back to church, spend that time each day in devotion and pray, eat right, exercise and try my hardest to get knocked up!